You know I’m getting sick and tired of repeating myself day in day out as it pertains to what I think of this place and the people who work and live here. I’ve spent the better part of the last ten years living in these types of places. Places with people who are disabled and dealing with staff who aren’t mom giving me care. At one point in my life, I actually had to stay home all of the time and wear masks just because other people had covid that I didn’t. Yes, there were a couple times when I had it but all of the other times, did it matter that I didn’t have it? Did it matter to me that others had it and that I was forced to stay home just because others were sick? The answer to this question is no. It didn’t matter and this is exactly why each time I was forced to stay due to the staff protocol, I was opposed to doing so without a fight. It simply did not effect me that others had covid and let’s not forget the one most important thing….unless it was Chris, (as I lived in the same place as him at the time of covid,) the fact is that I didn’t give a damn if people were sick with covid if it wasn’t me. Part of my adult life was taken from me because of an illness I didn’t have and you know why? Simply because I was forced to care about what other people thought. If I didn’t have covid, the stay at home orders and procedures shouldn’t have applied to me. I moved from there to Forestview specifically to get away from those types of people. How is that working out for me you ask? Well, it started out well but over time, it is getting really close to falling into the same category as Pullen was. Staff here are becoming more and more annoying especially with their constant covid protocols as well as the fact that they basically think they can run to Jen as if Jen is their mommy every time I voice my opinion on something I disapprove of or god forbid if I swear at a situation that they put me in like having to go downstairs. This actually leads me to my next point. One thing Pullen didn’t have was a common room. Therefore, other than what I was eating at that point, there was no dispute between mom and I about where I ate my meals as they were always served in the privacy of my own apartment. Now some people may think I’m implying a possible return to Pullen, (I might as well considering I’ve been there more times than I’m here since I moved out,) but this is not the case. However, every since moving here, there has been a constant dispute between mom and I about whether I should eat upstairs….in the room I pay rent to live in, or downstairs to be social with people. I’m going to say this one more time. I DID NOT COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. ONLY CHRIS AND THE GIRLS HAVE THE RIGHT AND THE PRIVILEGE TO BE REFERRED TO AS MY FRIENDS….NOBODY ELSE. I DO NOT CARE IF PEOPLE HERE LIKE ME OR NOT AND AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON’T LIKE MOST PEOPLE HERE, (THIS APPLIES TO SOME CLIENTS AND SOME STAFF. HAVING SAID THAT THERE ARE A FEW OF EACH I CAN STAND TO BE AROUND BUT FOR THE MOST PART, I COULD CARE LESS IF EVERYBODY MOVED OUT TOMORROW OR GOD FORBID MOM FINALLY SEES THE GOOD SHE WAS DOING FOR ME FOR 24 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND TELLS ME TO COME AND LIVE WITH HER DESPITE HER CANCER DIAGNOSIS WHICH ON THE SURFACE SHOULD HAVE NO IMPACT ON ME LIVING OR NOT LIVING UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS HER. Therefore if I never went down to the common room again, if I never spoke to any other client again, it wouldn’t bother me. The fact remains though that I like my privacy but why does mom force me to go downstairs even when I don’t have a bus booked? It’s got nothing to do with not making a mess in my room or to improve my quality of life, it’s because she wants me to give a god damn what people think when I clearly don’t. She wants me to feel like I have something to gain from going down there when I don’t. I’m going to be completely honest. This is coming from a guy who spent his whole life up to this point caring too much about what people were doing and not focusing enough on my own life. I was nosey as a child and where did that get me? Nowhere. In fact, I used to take personal offense when anybody told me this phrase to my face. In some cases, it even made me cry as I felt I was being excluded from all the important stuff and being told that meant I wasn’t loved or was not wanted around. It gave me the notion to believe that I should just stay by myself as being around others meant getting involved in what they deemed to be their own business. Well, it took a while but through numerous lessons in regard to this topic, I now believe it. It’s not so much that I need to mind my own business. It’s basically that I’m deciding myself that I want no part in their business. Fast forward to present day and the term “none of your business” which used to bother me to no end is now a phrase that I live by and feel like telling everybody. Face it, I’ve learned to mind my own business and in doing that I have decided to not care about anybody…..what anybody else is doing, what anybody else thinks, even who somebody is. If I don’t need to know you, I don’t want to so leave me alone. I’ve learned to mind my own business, now people need to learn to mind their own business.

Having said all of this, it seems as though every single day, someone pulls me away from doing something I’m trying to do. This could be sleeping or watching tv ETC to tend to something that is none of my business and as such, is something I don’t want to have to deal with for the benefit of that person even if this means I go without. For example, I don’t like being awakened at fuckin 9 a.m. just to do my stretches or get dressed or take a shower, (when applicable,) but through force from mom, I’ve been forced to do so because it helps the staff…..because apparently their own schedule gets fucked up if I ask for some respect to the fact that I’m not a morning person and that STAFF SHOULD NOT CALL ME AT THAT TIME AND EXPECT ME TO BE CHEERFUL AND RESPECTFUL. THEY DON’T RESPECT ME IN DOING THIS. THEY’VE EVEN GONE AS FAR AS TO INTERRUPT A CALL BETWEEN ME AND MY CANCER FILLED MOTHER WHICH PISSES ME OFF EVEN MORE. I don’t think they realize what she is going through. This isn’t a cold, or covid, or some bruise on her leg….IT’S FUCKIN CANCER. Though she may be ok for a while, she is slowly on her way out and ANYTIME I TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE OR SEE HER IN PERSON COULD BE MY LAST TIME SEEING HER. To my knowledge, everybody here is aware of her situation and yet day in day out, the same thing happens. They call me over and over again just to ask me that silly question they’ve been asking me 100 times since I’ve lived here…..”do you have fever, cough or difficulty breathing?” while my mother who I care about more than anybody on this planet let alone most staff and clients is literally suffering from an illness that makes covid seem like a privilege.

Well, tomorrow they’ve got me doing this stupid fire drill which they have in case of a real fire. Well, truth be told, fires are not the worst thing that can happen. They can be put out with water. If there was a real fire, they call the fire department and they come and put it out. You want to see a real emergency? Just look at what mom is going through. I’m not kidding when I say……SHE COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT and not the fire department, not the police, not the paramedics, no celebrities, no animals, no amount of money can save her. A fire can be put out by a water filled hose which they have an endless supply of at the fire department. YOU CANNOT PUT OUT CANCER. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. IF THERE WAS ANY WAY TO PUT IT OUT, I’M SURE MOM OR ANDRE, OR BEN WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW. Therefore, mom’s situation is much more severe than any fire.

So in response to the note left on the white board addressing this….the one where Dorothy is supposed to knock on every door of the building, she has to save everybody else but me because for the last time…..I WANT TO BE ALONE AND I WILL NOT PARTAKE IN THIS GROUP ACTIVITY THAT THE BUILDING IS PLANNING. I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. I will say this though. Dorothy is one of the few staff I do respect and therefore where I would demand to be left alone from other staff, I would only advise Dorothy not to knock on my door. I mean, she can if she wants but I just won’t answer. She is wasting her time in doing this. If that’s a problem….I don’t care. I care about this as much as I would if I hurt someone’s feelings in what I’ve said over the past hour…….and the fact is that if I do hurt someone’s feelings here, tough. Deal with it. I don’t care.

The preceding blog was chapter 2 of “In Jeff’s Shoes.”

Please stay tuned for chapter 3.