This may be the longest chapter I write in this autobiography. Having said that, it details one of the most darkest and horrible times in my life. They say your teenage years are the years in which a person finds out who they want to be. This is supposed to be the year of establishing the people you will grow to like and even love as you transition from child to adult. Maybe teenagers may never want their parents around and may only want to be with their friends. Other aspects of this period in a person’s life include doing well in school but I think the most important thing that happens during this time is potentially finding the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Someone to fall in love with, do things with, enjoy spending your time with ETC. Chris is one of my best friends and he found love at a young age and he even got married. The problem with me is that most people would mistakenly interpret my anxiety and short temper as a means for me not to be able to love. Certain members of Chris’ family, (albeit ones who I don’t really know or care about,) have deemed that I don’t have as much of the capacity to love or make a girl love me when compared to the way that Chris treats his wife. While most of my family would disagree with almost everything else they’ve said, I do have to kind of agree with them as everybody in my life has said that in their own way, although much louder and multiple times to say the least. As a matter of fact, this is where my chapter begins.

Like any other preteen boy or girl, I was afraid to start high school as I had gotten used to elementary school and I knew this would be a transition. While I wasn’t sure of what to expect, I did know that most people come out of high school having found a girlfriend/boyfriend. I knew that most of the popular kids had a significant other and the ones that didn’t were deemed the loser and were subject to not being cool. Those people were the ones who got picked on. I’m not going to lie. I was using terminology seen in tv shows that depict high school life. However, this was something I knew from the very beginning. Pretty much, if you didn’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you would not make it out of high school without being bullied. This is how I interpreted that.

Now, it is generally correct unfortunately that I do make a lot of mistakes in assuming certain things. This was perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. By the way, that mistake was finding a girlfriend. In fact this mistake was so big and severe that it almost resulted in jail time for me at one point as well as even death. The most important thing I have yet to mention though is that this is still somewhat relevant even though my teenage years are well behind me as the problems I dealt with back then still haunt me to this day.

For most people, I would think that if they had this problem and they were still reacting to it well into their 30’s, (as I am right now,) it’s because the boy or girl won’t leave their significant other alone for prolonged periods of time following their initial break up. In my case though, this is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, my relationship with the girl, (whose name I don’t want to bring up,) only lasted five months first of all. We never had kids together, never lived together, never had a shared bank account, obviously never got married, ETC. What should have been the best news of all concerning her as I was trying to forget about her is that she had moved away to Brockville long after we had broken up. Her mother was friends with my mother during our relationship, that went out the window. I had no way to contact her. She had no way of contacting me, ETC. The last two or three lines of this entry were all things that were told to me by different people in my life in the aftermath of her departure, (that we weren’t married, that she was gone, that it was over, that she was just a girl I went out with, as mom put it, ETC.)

I was in denial of everything that was being said to me back then. However, I knew all of this was true. The biggest problem was my thirst for revenge over what happened during the relationship created a situation where I would fail to believe and act on what I knew was true. While I can’t put into words the impact that mom had on the relationship, I will say that her influence during the relationship had a lot to do with what happened in the aftermath of the relationship.

Without getting into detail, each time something happened in mom’s life where she was unable to be around me for some reason, (work, out with friends, ETC,) as well as if I wasn’t able to reach her on the phone despite numerous attempts…..to make it simple I will just say anytime mom wasn’t available to me for whatever reason, it was because of my girlfriend having diverted her attention away from me to be with her. If this sounds similar to what a boyfriend/girlfriend would do in any relationship, it’s because I thought they were in one behind my back.

Now I said at the very beginning of this entry. This was the darkest time in my life. I certainly wasn’t being sarcastic. However, mom and I decided that in this autobiography, I would detail every moment, (good and bad, however I still have yet to find anything good but it is coming soon,) and this was indeed a time in my life. Yes, there was a time in my life where putting it simply, I never thought the relationship between mom and I would ever be the same. One thing I will say in regards to this is that IT’S NOT TRUE AND I WAS MENTALLY ILL AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE! These days mom is regarded as one of my favourite people and to be honest, I probably could have treated her better growing up. However, this was especially the case during my teenage years.

I began to have these ridiculous feelings throughout the course of the relationship starting when mom put a stop to me showing signs of intimacy during our first date, which coincidentally took place on her 40th birthday. Perhaps due to not knowing how to approach this, I made numerous attempts to touch her, kiss her and snuggle up to her on the couch, all the while believing that it came natural with any relationship. The problem was that each time I did this, mom got mad at me for doing it. At one point, the polite but stern request turned into a yelling session in front of her which in turn made me feel like I couldn’t do my job as her boyfriend since I thought that’s what all boyfriends and girlfriends do. Soon enough, it became time for her to go home and we brought her home with me feeling like maybe I shouldn’t have accepted her offer to be my girlfriend in the first place. When confronted on the way home, mom said it was because she felt I was smothering her with me still unsure of what I did wrong and coming to the conclusion that maybe we shouldn’t see each other outside of school anymore.

However, we did in fact come together outside of school again and this time I was careful not to get too close to her. However, after mom left the house to pick up the boys from somewhere, I found myself unable to keep my hands off of her. While sitting in my grandfather’s rocking chair while she sat on the couch next to me, I found our hugs getting more and more intimate with each of us pulling the other closer to each other than we were before.. At one point, I left the rocking chair and sat on the couch with our hips attached to each other. Through a shared agreement, we decided to go upstairs. It didn’t take long for me to lose my restraint and try to tell her that it was time to kiss, although fearing that either mom would get mad or she would feel uncomfortable. After a long pause, she was able to figure it out herself. My response to this was: “You’re so smart,” before we began making out only stopping when mom’s car entered the driveway.

The good news for us and the bad news for everybody else is that this became our trademark. We would make out anytime we were outside of school together, except on occasions when we were urged not to or were in situations with other people present, (in public places, especially ones with little children,) ETC. Now, I say bad news for everybody else because our restraint did not include refraining from doing it in view of family members who were in the same room. We weren’t aware of this at the time but it made most of them feel uncomfortable. My brother Joseph even deemed it disrespectful to do that in his presence which I dismissed as jealousy claiming that he will never find someone. Fast forward almost 20 years later and he’s married with a child now and I’m the one who doesn’t have anybody.

For the next few months, my girlfriend at the time and I had rendezvous in the backseat of both mom’s car and her mom’s car on separate occasions, multiple times in each other’s house, and once through the window of a car which I was sitting in and she was standing outside of it .Anyway, most people may wonder what could have possibly gone wrong especially since we were so in love at one point. Well, the tide quickly turned when my behaviour at home, (which was not linked to the relationship but in general,) resulted in me living with my father, hance away from my girlfriend, with the relationship still going strong despite the circumstances. While things went well between us, things between mom and I were really bad at this point, even though we did have some good points during this time. Mom had been very upset with me that my behaviour had caused her to make the decision for me to live with my father and therefore, we went days without talking to each other. When we did talk, anytime I showed any sort of hostility in the way I acted, mom would say that she never wanted to speak to me again. You might be able to realize that this really has nothing to do with my girlfriend. However, things changed when mom began going over to her house while still being mad at me as she was friends with her mother. This unfortunately gave me the notion to believe that I had finally figured out why mom was so quick to get angry at me for my attempts at intimacy during our first date. This started when mom entered the house to visit with her mother while my girlfriend had just revealed to me that she was in her pj’s. The next thing I knew she said that mom was there. Suddenly, the panic button was seemingly hit as I thought they were trying to date each other, (as ridiculous as that sounds.) After mom told her I would call her back upon my request to allow me to talk to her, the rest of our conversation was bad. This unfortunately prompted my father to get involved and remind me that she had been “damn good to you” as he put it. This occurred after she called back once mom left having been upset over my treatment of her during our first call. After apologizing to her and telling her I loved her, all was forgiven for the moment and we were back to the way things were. This was until mom called me back and accused me of being jealous. She meant jealous in the sense that she wasn’t spending time with me but spending time with her, (not sexually.) However, I took what she said as if she was saying, “You’re just jealous because she loves me and can’t stand you.” Once again even though this wasn’t true, failure to believe this caused me to unfortunately get mad at my girlfriend again as it became apparent that my girlfriend may be trying to obtain her for herself by the way things had played out, (mom going over while she was in her pj’s, seemingly enjoying the time she spends with her as opposed to me, ETC.) After a fight with her where mom’s name wasn’t mentioned, (I should probably also mention that my girlfriend never once heard from me that I thought her and mom were in a relationship but the fights that mom and I had pertaining to this added fuel to me being angry with my girlfriend,) we both decided that we needed a break, though we were still together. Mom was unaware of this and when I planned to take mom to a movie to celebrate mother’s day, in the process attempt to show mom how much better I was to her than my girlfriend, mom invited her to come with us as a surprise for me. Of course, this was interpreted as her going as mom’s date and not mine in my eyes. With warnings from my father to make the best of this, I did. It turned out to work perfectly as we had some alone time before the movie started where we rekindled our relationship. This is where we had a really long make out session. The date ended after the movie and unfortunately, it would never be the same after this one.

Once again, through multiple attempts at trying to get an answer from mom, I was unable to. However, at the same time, my girlfriend was calling me intent on having one of our long conversations. Despite knowing the truth that mom wasn’t with her, I remained distant through all of our conversations, failing to answer her questions properly while telling her I will call her back once I got an answer from mom, (which is what I do currently with people in my life.) She responded multiple times by saying that her mom was trying to reach mom as well, which I didn’t believe. Despite this, I remained somewhat attentive to the conversation, although stopping numerous times to bring mom up. You know, looking back I don’t know why I did this. It’s every teenager’s dream to be in the presence of his girlfriend without his mother around. I had every opportunity to have my girlfriend all to myself and what made this better was the fact that she was calling me. I can’t believe nowadays that I had literally everything a teenage boy could ask for and all I was worried about was mom. I couldn’t get an answer from her. She wasn’t around but my girlfriend was. I had the perfect opportunity to tie up the phone line with who I believed to be the hottest girl in school and I wasted it.

I looked really stupid later that night when mom called me to say she was with her friend. Years later, I cannot believe I wasted my one opportunity to be with the girl who obviously loved me. Though I tried to apologize, she did not accept it like she did the first time and told me that if she wasn’t going to be the most important thing in my life, we would break up for good.

I had one more opportunity to be a good boyfriend and I knew I had to take it. The problem was that I took it a little too well and was not able to live with myself after what happened on this day. Mom had to go out of town one day to see s friend. During this time, I went to my girlfriend’s house with mom saying she would pick me up later. After she got out of the shower at her mother’s demand, we were sitting there watching tv. Her little sister entered the room and put “The Big Comfy Couch” on the tv which she was embarrassed to watch with me around. However, I recalled that I used to watch the show as a kid and that mom used to love it. As her sister was distracted by the tv, I whispered to her that I was sorry for our last encounter together, (which was during the phone call,) which she accepted. However, things turned when an innocent make up kiss kind of went wrong. After her mother entered the room and said that she would be driving me home instead of mom as she was too tired, we became overjoyed at the thought of spending more time together. As we began to make out again, I did something that I hadn’t done to that point. With good reason, mom had put strict guidelines in place as to how far we could go in being intimate. We were only allowed to make out and that was it. We could at no point remove clothes in the heat of passion and we weren’t allowed to lay in bed together…..the first kiss took place while sitting in Ben’s bed, something he reminds me of from time to time in the present day. This was done of course because we were only teenagers and mom didn’t want to get in trouble if something was to happen by accident while we were doing the deed as I call it.

In an effort to prove that she was indeed the most important person in the world to me, (no offense mom but I was a teenager too,) we began making out while her hair was still damp from the shower. For some reason, this seemed to turn me on even more thus adding more passion to the kiss. Midway through the session, I lost my self restraint and attempted to take her shirt off. I started by going down the length of her shirt and pushing it upwards until I was able to feel her skin. After completely losing my self restraint, we stopped kissing. I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and started to pull it up. Realizing what I was doing, she stopped me and angrily reminded me that her sister was present. I explained to her that I truly loved her and that I wanted her to feel like I did. We started kissing again where I forced my body weight against hers resulting in her lying on the couch with me on top of her.. She then angrily told me to get off with me apologizing profusely and telling her I felt she was owed passion….something I felt I could never give her at least when following the rules put forth by mom.

After a bout of anger from her, she forgave me and to make me feel better, she even said that she enjoyed what happened between us but said that she ultimately wasn’t ready to lose her virginity. She promised me that she would not be mad if I didn’t tell mom what happened between us. While I had every intention not telling mom, I also felt like I had defied the order to not engage in any acts that went beyond just kissing.

Mom was waiting for me when I got home and her mom and mom gave us both a lesson as they had both been fed up with us making out in view of other people. After they both said that from now on, making out can only be done in times when we’re alone, we both accepted. However, the shock of what happened between her and I was too much for me to handle and I resolved to try and spill the beans about what took place about an hour earlier, thus going back on my word. Even though mom stopped me before I was able to get it out, the damage was done and my girlfriend felt I betrayed her. After mom invited her mother in the house for a second, my girlfriend stood there angry at me. Though I tried to apologize and explain my side of the story, (which would have been that mom hates it when we keep secrets from her,) she would have none of it anymore and offered me this response:

“You can’t keep things between us? You promised that you WOULDN’T TELL HER! Now I feel like I can’t trust you. We’re allowed to have things happen in our relationship and you know what? It should be nobody business but ours. I told you that I enjoyed what happened and that I was just not ready for sex. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut. WHAT WE DO IN OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NONE OF ANYBODY’S BUSINESS! It’s sad, it really is because I do love you. The problem is that if I can’t trust you not to divulge our personal business….I can’t love you so it’s over.”

My girlfriend breaking up with me

After once again apologizing to her and asking if there’s anything I can do to make it better, she said no. After denying me a hug, I then started putting two and two together asking myself why she would not want mom to know if we had sex. It then became apparent to me that she possibly wanted mom to commit those acts. Just then it all seemed to make sense. Mom had been trying to stop us from doing the deed, she had not wanted her to know that we did the deed, it’s all connected.

“You know what you are at the end of the day? Nothing more than a fuckin slut. That’s what you are. If you weren’t, why would you let me go down on your with your little sister watching “The Big Comfy Couch?” You could have said no but you didn’t. It’s not like I held you down and forced you. You had every opportunity to say no. So since we can’t undo what’s already been done, how did it feel? If you call what we did sex, then who am I to argue with you? How did it feel? You finally lost your virginity to me. You know what? There’s something else I want to know actually. Suppose it felt good, why would you not want mom to know? Have you been sneaking around with her? Maybe you don’t want her to know you’ve been unfaithful. I wasn’t telling her to get under your skin. I just wanted to tell her so she knows you’re off the market. So why don’t you live up to who you really are… a slut and make out with me the next time you see anybody. Then all will be forgiven, won’t it? I’ll even help you. I’m going to call mom out here right now and you can do the deed like you always have.”

Just then both of our parents came out of the house and pretended not to hear us to stay true to themselves about not getting involved in our relationship. After going back inside,. I profusely apologized for the comment but it did no good. If anything, it made our situation worse and she said she hates me. At this point, she left with her mom.

After movie plan fell through, it set me off the edge and I went on a rampage claiming “She hates me, repeating it over and over again until it caused major problems between mom and I. It started on the car ride home when she found herself having to throw water on me to calm me down. To make an already long story short, I took numerous sleeping pills when I got back to my father’s house…..ones that caused me to be sedated for the next three days. Things only got worse for mom and I when my girlfriend obtained a job working where mom worked at the time for her co-op placement which I was quick to start the bs of “mom is only doing this to sleep with my ex….” this stupid thought was enough to turn me into a monster….one that followed me into my adult life and still resurfaces from time to time these days.

As for my girlfriend and I, well the last time I saw her didn’t have to be the last time. After all of the accusations and the turmoil, we could have potentially found ourselves back in each other’s arms. After going home one day to see mom while there was a garage sale in progress involving my girlfriend and her mother, I was first in shock to see my girlfriend and thought I was seeing things. However, as the vehicle stopped in front of the house, mom wrapped her arms around my girlfriend and gave her a hug, doing it as a means of providing her comfort after seeing me, (we had already broken up at this point.) This enraged me to the point where I began screaming at the sight of what was in front of me as I felt betrayed. My ex was the enemy and mom was supposedly sleeping with her. My worst nightmare had come true. With mom out of the picture for a second, I give my ex the middle finger and attempted to unlock the door to give her a piece of my mind. When mom approached the car, she attempted to tell me not to start with the bs. After I failed to listen, it didn’t take long for her to say that we would never speak again and we ended up leaving on bad terms with mom banning me from the house in the process. Returning home, my girlfriend surprisingly called me and we had a good conversation….one in which we both admitted to still having feelings for each other despite everything that happened. We were almost back together until her mom entered the room and put a stop to us seeing each other. She said, “he wants to be a…….(she stopped short of saying possibly a swear word as she had been known to do.) After my girlfriend and I said our final goodbyes to each other, she was gone. It was a relationship torn apart by my god damn need to be a momma’s boy. I will never know what she said about me once the call ended but it couldn’t have been anything good. This was the last time I had any contact with her.

She may have been gone but regrettably to everyone around me, she was not forgotten and needless to say, she has had a lasting impression on most of my adult life. For over five years after she had moved to Brockville and we had ceased contact, she didn’t know what I had done after she left, I didn’t know what she did after she left, anytime mom was unavailable to me for any reason, (as noted earlier in this entry,) it was her fault. They had somehow maintained a relationship….one that I was not aware of. Mom and my girlfriend were an item or so I thought. Her own relationship with a man named Sam wasn’t going so well. Each time they had a fight and mom threatened to find someone else, it wasn’t another man, it was my girlfriend. If mom was home late from work one night, she was with her. If she was with one of her friends from work, she was really with her. Everything that did not work to my benefit in the aftermath of this girl leaving where mom was concerned was because of her, even though she had no idea it was even happening. This made for a lot of problems between us as I got older and sometimes this lead to police threats and threats announcing mom’s intention to never speak again, ETC. Since I have to include my asshole of a father in this autobiography, for his part, he endured all of the physical aspects of my anger. Both during and after the departure of my girlfriend, he has had to endure the following:

1. Broken arms, (occurring more than once,)
2. Chest pain/minor heart attacks
3. Bruises from me punching him in the face
4. blood on his forehead from when I hit him with the remote control
5. multiple scratches
6. verbal threats

There was one instance where my anger became so bad that it resulted in him fainting and almost dying one night. However he managed to regain consciousness before succumbing. I think this was on the night of Ben’s high school graduation when mom refused to tell me where they were and I thought this was because of my girlfriend too, that they had ran away together. However, each time a thought like this crossed my mind following one or multiple missed calls from mom, he would have to endure one or more of the above listed assaults. This was when I was at his house. There was one night in particular where he was forced by mom to pick me up and drive me around Ottawa in the middle of the night as he had no place to bring me and mom wanted me out of the house. Multiple times throughout the ride, he yelled, “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE? ALL OVER A FUCKIN GIRL YOU’RE NEVER EVER GOING TO SEE AGAIN. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M YOUR FATHER AND I SAY FROM NOW ON YOU ARE NEVER TO HAVE ANOTHER FUCKIN GIRLFRIEND? IS THAT CLEAR? IF YOU DO, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. THIS IS RIDICULOUS BUT YOU’VE DONE IT NOW. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT? YOU’VE FUCKIN DONE IT NOW!”

This came after a fight between mom and I that turned physical, (I’m sure everybody knows how that turned out where mom is concerned.) Even though I ended up going home that night after Earl threatened to bring me to rotary, it didn’t feel like home. Mom was at my throat for weeks and Joseph wanted to kill me. It is ridiculous to think that this all happened because of something that is supposed to make me happy….because of someone who loved me. Needless to say though, the question that is currently on my mind these days….the one about whether or not I should have another girlfriend was answered loud and clear from Earl multiple times…..he thinks I should never have another girlfriend.

Despite all of this, not to mention the fact that nobody cares what Mr. Asshole thinks anymore, the possibility of me having another girlfriend some day remains in tact. I suppose what I had with my girlfriend wasn’t so bad and when I think about it, the problems that arose during that time period could all just be from me not being mature enough or ready. These days, I have my own place, (well sort of) and I’m a grown man….one who hopes to one day charm another girl because things are different now then they were back then. Maybe now I can finally be the kind of boyfriend I should have been back in high school…..if I can ever find anyone.