In this chapter, I would like to discuss the hidden lifestyle I’ve tried to follow over the years though many people closest to me have called into question the validity of the one I was trying to follow. Sometimes these people would even go as far as to say I don’t have one. Numerous times throughout my life following high school, mom had tried to get me to take the next step in life and get a job despite me thinking that I was unable to have one due to my disability. Well, in 2018, it finally happened to mom’s appreciation and my dismay. I was working in the government as a data entry clerk. On paper, my job seemed very easy as it was just basically me copying and pasting information into the database. However, the combination of me having to leave behind my once relaxed carefree and lazy lifestyle as well as my inability to do the job properly due to a lack of caring or interest eventually lead me to quitting that job. Everything from my bus coming hours late to me having to get up much earlier than I desire to, (as I’m not a morning person,) as well as having to wear clothing that I thought was too heavy contributed to this decision being made by mom. I only worked twice a week, (which was late downgraded to once a week.) Despite the limited work schedule, it would have negative impacts on my stress levels in the day leading up to my next work day. As I worked on Wednesdays and Thursdays until my shifts switched to once a week, each Tuesday night was classified as a work night for me and as I did not want to repeat the stress that had happened the previous week, I would find every excuse to not go in to work. These excuses included forcing myself to be sick by over eating to finding something outside of the office that I deemed important enough not to miss if it took place on a work day, and at one point, I even lied about a family member dying in order to obtain a free day off to supposedly attend their funeral the next day, (which was a Thursday as this occurred during the point where I worked two days a week.) Unfortunately mom caught wind of this one morning and I got into trouble.

As for my performance in the office, well I wasn’t what you would call a work horse and I certainly wasn’t up for any promotions. Also, I definitely was not those types of people who put their work before every other aspect of their life. If anything, it was the exact opposite. I worked there for ten months. In those ten months, I never put any real effort into the performance of my job. I would intentionally show up late to my desk despite arriving to the building on time. Despite this, I would always use the old excuse of “the bus was late,” to excuse my constant habit of being late. Also, when my boss wasn’t around, I would take naps at my desk as well as call people on my phone. Another thing I did is took pride in the need to call para if I was off the next day to book trips where doing so outside of the office would be regarded as annoying. Also, I would find every excuse to leave my desk, to use the washroom, to get a drink of water, and then there were those days where my supposed work load was too much and I had to take a break for a few mins despite hardly working at all. Lunch breaks were my favourite time of day. As a matter of fact, they were so much fun that mine would last for hours on end after the rest of the building had gone back to work. In some cases, my lunch break which was supposed to be an hour took literally the whole afternoon because I supposedly lost track of time or had initially fallen asleep during my lunch break. During work related functions such as meetings or business luncheons, I would opt not to go to the restaurant as I did not want to be seen with the people I worked with. While I was forced to attend the business meetings, my work output was just as bad if not worse than it was at my desk. Also, it was worse because the people can actually see me not paying attention or not being attentive as what’s being discussed and I would not offer any of my opinions. While people around me just yammered on and on about things I didn’t care about, I simply fell asleep.

Simply put, I had no business entering the work force because I had no interest in doing the work. For about 9 out of the ten months I worked there, mom was completely opposed to this and despite the same argument taking place over and over again, I was forced to do it. It was on the 10th month of me working there, having complained about going and basically having gone for nothing since I did nothing of significance in my time there that mom finally let up and allowed me the freedom to quit.

This did not sit well with some of my friends unfortunately. Some of them thought I could have done better and that I wasted an opportunity, one which if given to that person would have been appreciated more and handled better. In the first few months, maybe even years after I quit, it would constantly be brought up in conversation in one way or another which made me not want to go there anymore. If I’m being honest, it even nearly resulted in suicide until I was stopped by one of my staff who worked in my building. To make a long story short, this incident was the end of the line for me where mom was concerned and after she got involved to help me, it was never brought up again and the friendship has remained solid enough since then despite a few unrelated disagreements over the years.

Another thing that bothered me following my departure from the work force was if my ODSP cheque would be deposited or not since it was my only means of income now that I did not work. Despite being told by mom and those around me numerous times that I would never go back and that my money would indeed come in, a recurring theme occurred where each night when we were supposed to get paid, I would call the bank numerous times after midnight, (the time it is supposed to be deposited,) to see if it has been. While there were times when it was deposited right away, for the most part, it took a few hours to be deposited, sometimes not coming in until after sunrise the next morning. Despite being tired enough to go to bed in some cases, I would find myself unable to sleep until I knew it was there and this lead to me not getting proper sleep. I would start watching something on tv, (a movie or wrestling, ETC) with the hope that the cheque will have been deposited by the time whatever I’m watching has ended. Sometimes, nerves get the better of me and I find myself pausing the show to check my bank account. My reaction following this depended on the result. If it wasn’t in right away, I would calmly tell myself…..”it’s coming Jeff, you just need to be patient, ETC while I will check every few mins after this with the same steps occurring if it hasn’t yet. However, hours worth of checking will eventually lead me to believe they forgot to send it or won’t send it at all. This thought usually manifests inside of me where I will eventually become angry and loud disregarding what time it is in the process and sometimes this results in confrontation with staff. The problem was that I would bring myself to believe that I would be forced to go back to work if it doesn’t show up. This unfortunately is the catalyst behind my stress.

These days, the anger and stress towards this aspect of my life is limited. However, it does still occur from time to time. There have been a few months since I’ve lived here where parts of that stress have still occurred, (checking every few mins, getting mad to a certain degree if it takes longer than it should, ETC.) However, the level of stress has reduced significantly and some nights, I even find myself going to sleep having not checked it once. Also, I no longer believe it’s not going to come in eventually and I have started to acquire acceptance with having to wait longer as I do know I will get it. One thing that has changed for me where this is concerned is that there is no more worry about potentially going back to work.

Having said all of this, the past few years, it has become apparent to me that mom wants me to basically live the life of a person who should be working despite the fact that I don’t work. These days, I find myself going out places more than I’m at home. Sometimes this is ok with mom while other times, she is opposed to me going out at all. Though her opinion seems to go back and forth between “Jeff you go out too much” and “Jeff you need to go out more,” more often than not it usually is that I go out too much. Most days, I have para booked and go out. I will leave at some point in the afternoon and come back for supper and then go out again, mostly to visit friends but sometimes to other places, (malls, the library ETC.) I think the biggest problem mom has with this is the fact that I’m never home and she finds herself questioning why I go out so much especially as it begins to result in minor health issues as a result of me being tired from the long day, ETC. Through the years, she has told me that if I didn’t want to work, I couldn’t be lazy and just sit around the house all day and sleep most days ETC. Therefore, she put me on a routine, one that I am absolutely opposed to as to me it mirrors that of a working man. Where I would prefer to stay up all hours of the night and sleep all day, she is opposed to this. She wants me in bed at night, usually before midnight and she wants me up in the morning ready for the day without having to take naps lasting longer than a half an hour to an hour. As this routine is viewed by me as the routine of a working man, I refuse to follow it, sometimes even referring to myself as an old man despite me being in my 30’s as this is the same routine an elderly person would follow, mainly going to bed with the sun and rising with it.

Over the years, mom has ridiculed the routine I have put myself on which is basically the opposite of the routine she expects me to follow. I go to bed as late as I want and sleep for as long as I want and never prefer to do anything during daylight hours but rather after the world has basically gone to bed. At one point, I even stayed up for four days straight causing me to be unable to think straight and at one point this even resulted in me sleeping all day and not eating and me only waking up for the first time at about 9:00 p.m.

Well, let me fast forward to present day. Though a proper routine has yet to be established, (at least one that I will agree with,) things are better here than they were at Pullen as staff personally make sure I don’t sleep all day. You’ve all heard the story by now of how annoying it is for them to call me as early as they do, ETC. I don’t want to get too much into detail about this but I will say it’s better. Having said that, there are still some aspects of my daily routine which mom has made it clear she wants changed. What mom doesn’t realize is that I do have a routine that I follow and this is a routine that is fit for a working man even though I don’t have a job.

If mom or anyone else wonders why I go out so much, it’s because that’s what a working man does. You see, in recent years, mom has sarcastically said that I go out enough for it to be considered a full time job. Whether it was her intention to be sarcastic in saying this or not, this is exactly what I’m going for. I’m trying to live my life as a working man even though I don’t work to avoid being labelled as lazy in the process.

In my mind, people who have full time jobs are never home and come home late at night. Even though this is slightly different for me, my lifestyle choice is supposed to have mirrored that of a working person, albeit one who only starts his job in the afternoon and makes his own hours. As my definition of a working man is that they don’t sit around all day, each day I make it my mission to go to different places. It has now gotten to the point where the time spent at home just leads into the next outing. I start my day in the house as normal and my shift officially starts when my first bus comes and either ends when I get home or when I have no more buses booked for that day. Now, you might think that having the power to go anywhere I want anytime I want is easy as well you may question how it’s a job if all I’m doing is going out. Well, the truth is that not all places I go are fun and games. In fact, for one reason or another, it’s hard on me either because of a lack of money or desire to do the thing I must do and then some people want to hang out with me on days when I try not to go anywhere, ETC.

Some places I go have a work like environment to them. I go to the library where others are reading and working on computers with the intention of either writing something myself or printing something I’ve written. I have doctor’s appointments to go to, most of which I hate either because of what needs to be done in said appointment or the time at which it is scheduled. I go to banks to get laundry money, buy things I need, visit people, ETC. On most days, if it’s not one thing, it’s another in terms of when I go out and how much I do so. I will say that it annoys me if I initially say that I want a day in the house only for something to come up where I must go out after all.

Though I don’t have a paying job per say, there is something I do which I do not get paid for which I like and these are movie blogs. Each time I see a new movie, I post blogs on them where I give reviews on the movies in question, my favourite scenes, my likes and dislikes, whether this actor was right for this role, ETC. At home I basically have my own office space with a computer, a binder to put all of these stories in, ETC. so I guess this is like a job.

If I’m on a double outing, (having two outings scheduled in one day,) the gap between when I return from the first outing and leave for my second outing could be regarded as my lunch break.

Stay tuned for chapter 5 for a more in depth look at the lifestyle I have chose