Have you ever had that feeling when something is really bothering you and you want to say something to the person whom you are trying to express your current feelings towards but you can’t because you’re worried about how the person you’re talking to will react? Well, I have that feeling now and normally, I don’t care what anybody else thinks. When it’s mom though, it’s an entirely different story and I have to care what she thinks because at times if I show I don’t care and say what’s on my mind, I will get in trouble as she will not like it. There’s been countless occasions over the years when I’ve had one of these feelings but I have always chose to bottle up my emotions to avoid getting into trouble. This brought about the birth of the issue I have had for most of my life….an issue that has only grown more and more since I have gotten older. This issue is one that I have tried to suppress but cannot and it has lead to countless issues of mental trauma around Chris and others where I would space out and begin envisioning things, (sometimes sexual and other times relating to the outcome of a particular situation, ETC,) and I will bite my hand, yell at people who are either non existent or who at one time were legitimate but currently aren’t, ETC. This has been going on for years and it had made some people, myself included question whether I can function in public or whether I should be institutionalized, ETC. My problem has resulted in me freaking out at home and sometimes even in public places, (though in public places, my reaction is more relaxed as I am coherent enough to understand my surroundings.) However, most of the time at home, I will either forget or choose not to care about the people living around me and the fact that I have been loud enough to disturb them and go off basically believing myself to be in a war with half the world over some situation, either made up or sometimes pending the result of certain situations, ETC. Unfortunately, these issues can sometimes cause me real problems in the present and I will be confronted by staff or those people around me who have heard of my freak out which in turn causes me to feel a little embarrassed and not know what to say when asked what the problem is.

So this is what I wanted to tell mom. Though the issue with me talking to myself, even biting my hand and yelling ETC has supposedly been going on since I was born, (I don’t remember if it was when I was a child but mom seems to recall that I have had the problem since then,) I really started to notice this when I was a teenager during my first relationship with my girlfriend and of course, everybody knows that this got even worse after the relationship finished. I don’t currently have time or energy to go through all of the details but for what it’s worth, everybody who needs to know has already been informed, perhaps too much by this point. I will say this though. The long and annoying road to recovery took all of five years and by this point, everybody who was legitimate in my life at this point had probably wished I had never met my girlfriend and even wished that I never speak to another one as long as I lived, (some people even voiced this very opinion in trying to get me to understand how ridiculous I was being.)

Having said this, the question has been asked to me numerous times since I supposedly recovered if I would ever consider having another girlfriend. The answer to this question has gone back and forth between yes and no. Though I definitely don’t want a repeat of what took place in my teenage years, there is always that moment when I find myself weak and watch romantic movies with a lot of sex and think to myself, “I want that to be me,” ETC, or when I realize that I’m one of the few people in my family without a significant other which makes me feel sad. When this happens, I feel like I can maybe attempt to have another girlfriend as I would then just reason that what happened in my teenage years was a result of immaturity on my part and maybe it could have also been that I wasn’t emotionally ready.

However, on the other hand I have these days when the remnants of my teenage years come back to haunt me especially where mom is concerned and those are the times when I supposedly put my foot down and say that I can never have another girlfriend. The thing is that I would sorry about what role, or how much of a role mom would have with that person. I worry that she will plan things with her and leave me at home and what I would perceive is going on without me there. To make it real simple, I would eventually start to believe that they had feelings for each other and though this would not be mom’s intention, my brain would take over and I would believe what’s not true. To those who were legitimate in my life at the time of my first relationship, if this sounds familiar and like you have heard this a million times, it’s because this is what happened in my first relationship, with mom attempting to get to know my girlfriend, of course not for sexual pleasure or gratification but with me having misinterpreted her intention in trying to do this and believe that she no longer loved me as she associated with my ex after we had broken up. It wasn’t long before this problem spread to other females she knew, (people she worked with, some of her friends, especially ones who I found sexually attractive, not including close family,) and I became upset every time mom did anything with them. If mom basically had a life of her own, it upset me. I knew this wasn’t the way to live but it was the way I was left after my first relationship.

On a smaller scale, it occurred with Chris and Parya after her and Andre got together and eventually married. If mom went out with either one of them, it was because she didn’t love me. However, with Chris there was no sexual aspect as he is male. On the other hand, one incident occurred with Parya as she needed a bath and told Chris and I to go to my place while she gave her one, thus making me believe Parya was doing it with mom as well. Unlike other females who were involved with this though, after a brief confrontation with Parya as well as interference from mom and the in laws, everything was back to normal and Parya and I have been friends every since.

Since then, accusations of mom not loving me and being with women have been few and far between. However, a small degree of this problem presented itself when a girl named Julia once joined our foursome. After mom stopped me from getting intimate with her when putting up my Christmas tree, I began to have more sexual anxiety as i found her attractive but was nervous to ask her out as a result of what happened. As mom made it a point to visit her in the hospital as she needed surgery to repair her shunt, more and more anxiety began including a hallucination that I don’t think anybody needs to read about online. However, it was clear that this girl was just another excuse for me to start thinking like that again hence I did not care about Julia anymore and she fell into the category of those types of women whom I want nothing to do with anymore. I have seen her on Para Transpo a few times since she was part of the group and she asks how mom is and anyone who knows me well enough can imagine what I felt like saying but since I didn’t want to be rude, I simply said, “She’s fine.”

Now these girls all have a special place inside of me and I cannot say where that place is as this is going online but it’s personal. I will say this though. The answer as to whether or not I can ever have another girlfriend has been emphatically confirmed…..NO! There is no way I can ever have another girlfriend because of situations like the ones that occurred today where mom needed to take Chris to the doctors and to run errands ETC. It took every ounce of my decency as I was in public when I found out to realize that it was Chris that was with her and not my girlfriend and that once again I will say…..I DON’T HAVE ONE! Therefore she can never be with mom. Yet all day I was having hallucinations of tying up my girlfriend, severely injuring her with my wheelchair, even saying that Andre will harm her…..number 3 in this list would get me shot if mom ever found out. The thing is that if it’s this bad when I do have one….if I believe every time mom is having a life that she’s doing so with my girlfriend who I don’t have, it’s only going to get much worse if I have a real one and honestly, I may not survive it without obtaining some jail time.

As my brother Ben has said, I have my left hand for pleasure or “Palmula Anderson,” as he put it, romantic movies galore and all the time in the world. Maybe that’s all I need.

If mom is looking to get me a birthday gift next year, maybe a circumcision may suffice so that I don’t have these issues anymore. Maybe I need to be neutered.