The one thing I’m most proud of in my life isn’t a thing….it’s a person. Even though I could have showed it more as I was growing up, for all of my life, I’ve been proud to have the mother I have. All of the success I’ve had in life, I have to thank her for and attribute to her never giving up on me, even at times when I didn’t deserve it. I’m now a man in his mid 30’s who has finally found his calling life in writing movie reviews. The fact is that I never would have been able to without her belief in me and support of me through the years. I have to be completely honest in saying that as bad as days have been in my life, the worst one hasn’t even happened yet and I hope it doesn’t for many years or ever. This day is the day that my mother is no longer around. This has been something that I’ve thought about a lot over the past few years…..what my life would be like without her and also realizing that no matter how I try, I will never have the same level of confidence or the same need to be present anymore. I’ve had this conversation with my friends who I’m currently close to. I tell them not to expect me to call as much or be willing to hang out as much as the biggest part of my life would have been taken from me while telling them that it’s not personal. It would just be that the one person who I’ve always looked up to, respected and loved for my whole life, (and who I know has returned that love and respect to me,) is no longer around. I have to be honest in saying first of all that sometimes in having these conversations, I get too far into them and believe that she’s actually not around only to regain my common sense and realize that she’s still here. Furthermore, when that day comes, I’m afraid of what might happen to me emotionally. I could lose everything I currently have including the place I live, the friends I have ETC all because I won’t be able to ever move on with my life. I might say or do things I regret which I’m currently able to stop myself from saying because mom is known as my voice of reason. Nobody else can get through to me as efficiently as she can, try as they may. Without that voice of reason and support, I may end up falling into a deep depression from which I will never recover. Mom has had such a profound impact on my life that I can’t imagine a life without her even though I know it will one day be a reality, one that I’ll never be able to accept. Face it, without mom, I have no reason to live anymore. She is by far the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
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