Well most people know about the type of relationship I have with my mother. Everybody knows that she is the best person in the world in my eyes and how I even put my own needs aside just to have conversations with her. However, the same cannot be said as it relates to a man in my life. I’ve never felt like I had a father growing up for reasons I would like to keep private. Contrary to how I feel about my mother, (that we should talk all the time and that I need to involve her in aspects of my life even though she would prefer not to be involved and wants me to have my own life,) ETC, I have not seen my real father in years as we severed ties with each other about three or four years ago. I’ve only talked to him a couple of times since I moved into my current apartment three years ago and the conversations really didn’t go anywhere in terms of quality and most of the time, I would make up a story about something bad happening to me, in some cases something which would have been fatal but I ended up not dying from it, ETC to prove my point and everybody else’s point that he does not care about me or anybody I’m close to. I did this a couple of weeks back where I fabricated a story about me breaking my leg and being bed ridden with a cast where mom needed to hire my own personal nurse to take care of me as I would need round the clock care. Of course, the model father that he is failed to even offer any support when he initially thought my leg was broken. There’s a lot of curse words I could use to describe him in this instance but I will not because I’m online and I believe the use of profanity would be inappropriate. However, I do believe that he was not my father and that he never cared about me. He’s not allowed to have my new address as he would embarrass me in front of staff whom I have built a great relationship with over the years and I do not want to ruin that by the embarrassment he would cause me. This is going to sound bad but I don’t miss him if I’m being honest and I don’t care if I ever see him again.
In order to end this otherwise negative response on a high note, there is someone else who I can give praise to for being a proper male role model in my life. In fact, there’s a couple of men who I can discuss in regards to those who make me happy. There’s my step father who is the biological father of my best friend. Since he started dating my mother ten years ago, he has truly been there for me more than my own father ever was. For so long I had to put up with my father being who he was and to be honest, I was ashamed to be seen as his son. My step father is a man who I can be proud of. In his ten years as a member of this family, he’s done more for me, he’s cared more about me and I would go as far as to say he should have been my father all along, as bad as that sounds.
The other man I can praise is my uncle. Due to the distance between where we live, I don’t see him that often. However, he’s always been there for me and those around me when it’s been convenient for him. He’s always sending me stuff, buying me stuff, ETC. He’s also been one of the few people aside from me who mom can look up to when she needs advice or help with something.
Over the course of my life, as it pertains to male role models, I’ve learned that maybe it is better to look at one you don’t have and appreciate more than what you don’t. I may not have had a good father but I for sure made up for it through my step father and uncle. This is what I choose to think about. I’ll never be able to forgive my father for not being there for me but I would be lost if I didn’t have my step father or my uncle.
Just because I cannot bring myself to end this response without doing this, I have to once again emphasize the fact that I think everybody knows by now. The main person in my life is mom. She may not be a man but some men like me need their mama more than their papa. No matter who I meet in the rest of my life, let it be written on my tombstone that though I did not care about most people throughout my life, you could never change the way I feel about mom…even though sometimes I feel like mom herself feels like this could change and not effect our relationship. Face it, mom is number one in my life. Having said that, I know that my step father and uncle aren’t far behind in terms of relevance and admiration on my part but despite this…mom is still number one. Maybe if I actually took her advice and didn’t call as much as I do, she would want to be. Whether she does or she doesn’t though, she will always be number one in my eyes.
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