As everybody must know by now from having read my previous blogs, I think the world of mom. That being said, there’s one thing that I’ve tried so hard to convince her that I don’t feel comfortable doing. Of all the things I have been able to tell her over the years, this just seems to go over her head. Now that I have access to this site, I feel I should come clean with what this is.

Mom seems to thrive on togetherness and rarely does things alone even when her plans for any given day indicate that she will be. Almost everything she does has to involve one or more of her friends and this usually applies even if she is with me. There have been times over the years where I have called her phone only to have one of her female friends answer and claim she is busy, (people who have read my previous blogs should know how this made feel, and for those who haven’t, it wasn’t good.) In a nutshell, it was an indication of the issues I had during my teenage years. Anyway, as annoying as it is to have mom constantly incorporate others into her life, it really doesn’t effect me and I don’t want this to change or start.

You see, mom and I have different opinions as it relates to togetherness or the desire to be apart from others. While she can’t seem to do anything by herself, I personally would be much happier on my own and only having the friendship of those I knew prior to the bad stage of my teenage years. The aftermath of this lead me to the conclusion that I have enough friends and people in my life in general, and this definitely applies to any relationship that has the potential of being romantic. Many people in my life have stated their opinion that they wish I do not have one and even go as far as to say they’re afraid of what my happen if I get a girlfriend and things don’t work out.

Despite this, over the years mom has tried to enroll me in various social groups with the hope of me meeting new people and a potential new girlfriend, the latter of which I’m not even sure I want, though the same can be said for any new friend with no romantic tendencies. You see, I’m in the mindset that Chris and the girls, (for those of you who are unaware, the girls refers to Chris’ wife and her sister,) are the only friends I want and need for the rest of my life and I even go as far as to say that nobody can be as good a friend to me as they are, but also I believe that me getting new friends would make them believe that they are no longer good enough to be my friends. To me, it’s like saying to them that other people are better friends to me than they are. With this in mind, while enrolled in these various social settings, (summer day camps, social groups/clubs,) ETC, I keep my mouth shut even though doing so defeats the purpose of the social group. You can’t be antisocial in a social group. During these sessions as I will call them, I will do my best to stay isolated from the other members aside from saying the courteous “hello.” If they try to initiate conversation with me, I will respond with short answers and usually remove myself from them if they start asking me about myself. From there, I will only speak to staff involved with the group and will otherwise remain inattentive to other people. If Chris is enrolled in the same program as me, I will initiate proper conversation with him as normal but will still remain quiet around others despite him being more open than I am to get to know them.

The problems usually start about one or two days into however long a session is supposed to be, (most likely a week,) when I will start to complain about not having met anyone new and saying that I will not be able to if I haven’t at that point while also saying that I’m tired of the same routine, (usually finding an excuse why the group isn’t working to justify my complaint, such as a rule where the phone cannot be used, the bus being booked too early, “I don’t like this person, that person,”) ETC while saying that I initially thought the purpose of the group was for me to meet people and since I have yet to, (insert amount of money spent to enroll me in program,) was a waste of money, ETC. This usually starts an argument where my bad behavior has annoyed mom or gotten to a point where if I was to continue with the group in question, it could lead to severe consequences. This will lead me to being removed from the group, presumably before the end of the session. If there was money that mom spent to enroll me, I would be forced to reimburse her as punishment for “wasting her money” as she puts it even though she is the one who constantly forces me to join these groups despite my apprehension and unwillingness to do so.

She will often say that she will never enroll me in another group as doing so would be for nothing as well as a waste of money, (if applicable.) I will be ok with this but she will change her mind towards the situation a couple of weeks or months later, presumably after finding out that Chris and the girls have joined an activity that she believes I will go to willingly just because they are going. Though it’s not proven to be a fact, I believe her change of mind may also stem from others encouraging her to get me more active, (even though it’s nobody’s business but mine and mom’s.) She always tends to be influenced by others in situations where I appear to get what I want even though certain people don’t agree with her initial decision.

I think the biggest problem is that she refuses to see me as an introverted person despite me being much more comfortable being that type of person She believes too much that being introverted and even wanting your own space, (which I do all the time even though I’m forced to eat with other clients here which is another story,) makes me a loser. I can’t be alone or a quiet person who is comfortable in their own skin without her belief that it effects how people view me. She wants me to be this person who thrives in big crowds of people and never likes to be alone like some celebrity. Well, the truth is I’m not a celebrity and I honestly don’t see a problem with the way I am. I’m definitely not hurting anybody. After all, how can you hurt someone if you never talk to them or are never around them?

The main reason I think she makes me go to these groups is that she has this unrealistic belief and expectation that I will somehow change on a dime and make thousands of new friends and possibly girlfriend, that I will go from being introverted to extroverted, that I will care what others think, ETC. This is even though I have made it clear that I am not like that. To be fait, the one thing I think I could gain from this is a girlfriend. The problem is each time I go to these groups, I walk in with only Chris and the girls as my friends….and walk out with only Chris and the girls as my friends. In other words, nothing changes.

She has me attempting to go to lunch ability this Friday, a decision she made out of the blue which I was once again forced into doing. The biggest problem I have is just what I mentioned earlier. Each time I go to these places, I have just as many friends as I did before and still no girlfriend. Well, I’m going to try my luck again this time. I will go to lunch ability on Friday and if I don’t have a girlfriend on that day, I WILL NOT GO BACK TO ANY FUTURE SESSIONS OF THIS PLACE BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT’S A WASTE OF TIME. If I have to go to bed alone on Saturday night next week, it will be the last group or summer camp I join. I can promise everybody that.