I think by the time lunch ability occurs on Friday, I should be finished part one million of this never ending saga that has detailed my dislike for having to attend this group. Never before has one problem required this many parts to complete. This is the first of it’s kind and the reason for there being so many parts is because with each passing day, a new element gets added to the story which annoys me or angers me. This is one that would anger me if I didn’t do an entry on it. With this new development, (hence the reason for part 5,)I’m sure this will be the last entry. Since this is such a big deal, I will even give it a title. The title will be the main theme of the last conversation I had with mom.

It could get worse. This is the beginning of the end of the story,

The entire situation began as I was still uneasy about having to go to lunch ability. While I wasn’t quite upset, I was keeping my day open for a potential visit from my brother who has a habit of cancelling on me. Anyway, during my normal morning call with mom, we discussed her reasoning for me wanting to go when it came up in conversation with me saying that I’m already friends with Chris and the gang and mom saying Chris enjoys hanging out with people and getting to know them, ETC. From there, the morning went as normal with me taking my normal nap and having my brother inevitably cancel on me due to work obligations. To be honest, this doesn’t bother me in the least. If anything I would think that he wouldn’t have wanted to be around me today because of my frame of mind. However, there was something I noticed with what normally happens when people cancel on me vs. when I try to tell mom I don’t like something and have the desire to cancel it, ETC. When people cancel on me, I’m forced to accept it and I’m frowned upon if I don’t. Anytime I try to dispute someone saying that have to cancel on me, a big argument ensues with them comparing their life to mine in terms of obligations. They will say things like, “I have to work, have to do this,” ETC while you get (insert service,) handed to me without having to work/I do whatever I want and have no schedule,…” ETC. This conversation is usually had with mom but assuming she’s not the one I had plans with, she will usually go to bat in favor of the person having to cancel. It’s gotten to a point where not only do I accept when they have to cancel but I have no faith in those that say they’re going to come in some cases and I even make a game out of it. Upon hearing someone’s intention to come over, I often say to myself or to Chris, (if I’m not alone at the time the initial plan was made,) that I should wait and see how long it’s going to take for that person to cancel if that person is someone who routinely does so and I always believer that they will eventually find one reason or another to cancel before they show up.

On the other hand, god forbid I try to cancel on someone without reason or state to mom that I would prefer not do something she initially suggested. There is a difference here in how things play out. Someone says they can’t make it and I’m forced to accept it and god forbid I try to dispute it. I say I can’t do something or that I don’t want to do something and a frigging yelling match ensues between mom and I where if the end result is me not doing what she initially suggested, it could have detrimental consequences to our relationship. In other words, being able to cancel doesn’t go both ways. Everybody else can cancel on me if they choose to and I’m not allowed to dispute it but yet I can’t say that without mom getting mad at me. This doesn’t seem fair at all.

I read the initial text my brother sent me stating his cancellation. In the common room, I put two and two together where I started to notice this difference. As I realized exactly where I was, I struggled to maintain my composure only reacting with spasms and mouthing to myself similar to what Chris does when he got upset. When being addressed by staff, I reverted back to myself long enough to address them properly only to return to my state of trying to keep it in after silence was present and staff were distracted by other things to notice that anything was off. After finishing my lunch and disposing of my dishes, I went back up to my room…..BIG MISTAKE!

I probably should have stayed down there. Then again, I would have had to suppress my anger and nothing would have been resolved. A few seconds after entering my room, I sat at my computer intending to write this very chapter actually, (which would have been without the end of the story as the fight with mom hadn’t occurred yet.) As I sat down, a burst of anger ran through my head to where I couldn’t write. After laying in my bed for a few minutes, I began to show signs of wanting to commit suicide saying to myself that I know what’s good for me before placing my fist down to my chest as someone would do when they stab themselves, (I did not have a knife in my hand.) A few seconds later, I regained my composure enough to call mom and tell her I don’t want to join the group saying that my brother cancelled on me and it was no big deal.

After calling mom back at her request while she was on the way to work, I was warned not to speak loudly with the threat of her hanging up if I did. After calmly explaining to her my reasoning for not wanting to go, she still thought I was being not loud but abrupt and this was enough for her to prematurely end the call.

After calling her back and disputing that even after I wasn’t loud, she hung up anyway, I lowered my voice to give the following explanation as to why I didn’t want to go:

“Mom I thought the objective of going to these groups was to meet people. Even when I go to these places, I walk in with Chris and the gang as my only friends and I walk out with Chris and the gang as my only friends. Nothing changes for me. I’ve gone to other places before and nobody ever talks to me. This is a waste of time for me.”

She then responded angrily by saying that I go to restaurants and movies and malls ETC myself where I’m around people. Upon hearing my response of “I don’t talk to them,” she then disputed the fact saying I argue with people and tell them off citing numerous issues I have with people when I go to places. At one point during the conversation, (I think it was before the argument took place,) she said that if I didn’t go to the group, I would be forced to get a job and this is what I think initially set me off because the thought of returning to work angers me to no end. With this in mind, I initially said that I would go to lunch ability if it meant having to get a job if I don’t. Just as I said that, mom said this.

“Don’t go to the group. I’m cancelling you. I haven’t yet but I will when I get to work.” I cut her off by saying I would go to the group if I was going to be coerced into a job that I hate even more.

“You’re going to play bingo….to socialize……to do something different with your life other than sleeping all day, going to movies, restaurants, ETC.” Mom’s initial response before she told me not to go.

She has a habit of doing this. She starts by saying she wants me to do something and won’t let up on this suggestion until driven to the point where she can’t take it. This prompts her to change on a dime and say that I shouldn’t go during which time she even goes as far as to say I’m not allowed to go. This is usually after I have agreed to go following an argument over going which ended in a threat of me getting a job or her being mad at me if I don’t. I know this is very confusing and a lot to take in.

After calling her out on this fact, she said she only wants me to do what I want to do. She’s said this so many I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I ended the conversation by saying that I only want to do what makes her happy and she said I already know what she wants but honestly, things better work out for me. I need a girlfriend by the time this day ends and if I don’t get one, it will just prove my point again as to why I don’t like these places.

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