For those of you who don’t know me, I have a disability. The problem is that according to most people, that disability is not regarded as such. While technically it is true that I have a disability, (I use a wheelchair to get around and according to my mother, I have a mild mental disability,) these problems are seen as nothing short of setbacks owing to my brain power and my ability to do things I shouldn’t be able to, things that are unbefitting of a person with a disability. Growing up, I was seen as much smarter than people in my condition and for a while, it was seen as a gift I had. Over the years, I may have gotten a little cocky and even arrogant to those around me who had a more severe disability as I would question their status as being on my level if they missed what I would consider an easy question in school. I laughed at them and was even embarrassed by some people saying they matched up well to my status or that they could beat me or at least give me a run for my money, (in situations where this was applicable, most notably when playing games such as hangman.) With good reason, this got me in a lot of trouble with mom and even some teachers. However, I have to say that things have certainly changed as far as my opinion of myself. Some people may refer to this as karma if they wanted and honestly, they wouldn’t be very far off. Over the years, I’ve found that having a brain as good as mine and abilities that others in my situation don’t isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As a matter of fact, fast forward 20 years into the future and I believe that those who have less than I do and need more help actually have it better than I do at least in terms of what’s expected of them.

My whole life since the end of school has been harder than a person with a disability. I’ve been expected to do things at a much higher level than most people due to my superior brain power and my ability to do things that nobody can’t. This has gotten much worse since I have lived on my own. Where I’m sure others haven’t been forced to do certain things I have, my utter dislike for living life has earned me labels such as lazy and uneducated and in the case of my job, (I don’t even want to get into those details,) my desire to quit when I felt the task was too hard with the bus and that it was too early in the morning, ETC, was enough to earn me a warning that mom would not maintain her previous level of desire towards me if I quit, even though eventually I did. The problem was that nobody else was forced to work the way I was because they were disabled and couldn’t handle it. To me, this meant that people were trying to paint a picture that I wasn’t disabled at all despite needing mobility aids to get around and the often frowned upon service known as Para Transpo. Apparently needing all of these services doesn’t mean you have a disability. There is however one thing that my brain and abilities have yet to earn me. At the time of this writing, I’m nearly 35 years old and I have not had a girlfriend since a failed relationship in my teenage years which took me over five years to get over. I’ve never been married either. The problem is that my friends who are even more disabled are.

After work finished for me, the expectations of me just got worse as did the punishment for me not wanting to undertake them. Despite not working, I still had to be the one who keeps track of my money and prepare meals for myself using a crock pot, (at least before I moved into my house where they provide food for me.) When there was something important for me to do such as an appointment or bill to pay, ETC, I was the one responsible to pay it. Also, how do you think I get to these appointments? I have to use Para Transpo despite me telling mom so many times that I hate the service for one reason or another. If I don’t do anything like this or I express any dislike for having to use para or even go to some of these appointments, ETC, what do I get? I get in trouble from mom who basically expects me to do everything as if I’m not disabled.

Now I want to shift gears and talk about my friends. Since none of them will ever read any of these posts, I will tell everyone that while they are my only friends, they still get on my nerves to a point especially given the way they are treated just because their disability is more severe than mine. When they have appointments, are they forced to take para and even go alone sometimes? No. Even when mom can be present at my appointments, does she do all the talking for me even though I don’t know what to say? No. Most times I will have to start the conversation as if she’s not present where she will interject if I miss something or don’t understand a question, ETC. However, nine times out of ten, she just observes the appointment while letting me do all the talking. The problem is that I’m not a medical professional and most things they tell me or ask me, I don’t understand. Usually right from the offset of the appointment, I will point or gesture towards mom and even go as far as to say that it had nothing to do with me, (as I don’t care about the outcome under normal circumstances unless the need for surgery or an operation is present,) but she will always argue saying it’s my appointment and that I need to be the one to do it. Does anybody think my friends have to deal with that? No they don’t. I’ve obviously never been to a doctor’s appointment with them but I’m pretty sure they sit there with their mouths shut and allow their parents to say everything that needs to be said and why? Because they’re disabled which apparently I’m not just because I’m better off than they are in terms of the severity of my disability.

I haven’t even addressed one aspect of this conversation yet. This is how they perceive their disability vs. how I perceive mine, While everything I just said is true, about them needing more help than me and about me being able to do most things for myself, ETC, we view each other’s disabilities in the opposite way I guess is the best way to put this. They basically want to be just like me and be able to do everything and not be seen as having a disability while I believe they have it good due to them not having to do anything or work for anything and basically having life handed to them. I should mention before I forget that my job was in the government and it lasted a total of 10 months. I worked as a data entry clerk. My job was simple enough as I had to sit behind a desk and push literally one button on a computer for about 4 and then eventually 8 hours a day twice a week and then once a week. However, a combination of the early start time and the fact that my bus going home was hours late as well as having to wear dress shirts and pants which I felt were too heavy eventually got the best of me which was when I had to quit. The problem was that no one gave me a harder time than my friend’s wife who is among my friends that wish they had my ability to have a job like that and who believe I wasted the opportunity earned me a lot of tongue lashing from her which, I’m not going to lie, nearly resulted in me committing suicide until I was stopped by one of my staff where I lived. This unfortunately got to a point where I needed time away from them as our fights became more and more aggressive, (not physically aggressive,) which in turn caused me to be upset. This lasted until her parents got involved and since then, it has not been brought up and we have been able to maintain our friendship despite some unrelated bumps in the road.

The point is that while I don’t hate my ability to do things, it certainly has caused me more stress than I think my friends deal with each day. One thing that I forgot to mention is the fact that while my friends need their parents to pick them up for any appointments they have, I have to use para despite me begging mom to pick me up, (which is almost always unsuccessful.)

The bottom line is that yes, it is true, I do have a disability. However, sometimes I don’t feel like I do. I know for most people, having my abilities given their situation is a dream come true but to me sometimes, life can get a little hectic.

I want to end this entry by stating an honorable mention. Though this does not apply to my friends, one thing i would love to have happen is for me to have someone assigned to help me with various tasks during the day similar to a special EA I had in school who helped me with everything I needed help with. Well, now that I’m older, I would appreciate if this person turned out to be my long awaited girlfriend. This would be someone who could help me with things my staff should help me with, (showers, getting dressed in the morning,) ETC, which is currently bound by a specific time and has a time limit to be finished. I really feel as though this would allow me to do things at my own pace and maybe even allow me to sleep in longer than I would normally, as I’m not what most people would consider a morning person. We would do things together and this person would give me money for the reviews I write, (another one of these is to come soon since I’m on the topic,) while still undertaking the pleasant task of being my girlfriend and doing the things that a girlfriend should do. These are the things that would make me happy if anybody catches my drift. As for who this girl is, I would appreciate it if she was English and had a British accent with shoulder length black hair. Something else this person could do is be my advocate and speak to everybody on my behalf so that I don’t have to. I’ve described this person to many people over the years when addressing this topic. We should basically have the same relationship as my married friends have but the other way around. She would take the role of my best friend while I would take the role of his wife. She would help me in the same manner as he helps his wife. In their case, he is the more capable person while she needs all the help, (something she always seems to complain about for reasons that I don’t know or care about,) while in our case, I can be just like her and require the help from my girlfriend, with the difference being that I don’t complain about it.

In conclusion, I will say that the bottom line is while it may be a gift for me have all of these abilities, it makes life a lot more challenging as far as I’m concerned.