Being the type of person who generally dislikes changes, (new environments, meeting new people,) ETC, you would think that I would be upset at what is soon to happen. You see, at the time of this writing, I’m currently living in supportive housing. This has been a place that mom has loved for the entire duration of my stay here for whatever reason. I’ll give this place credit. Compared to where I was before, the care is better and the people are better. Having said that, I have not liked it here at all during my time here for various reasons ranging from rules that I don’t understand, dealing with some staff who I dislike compared to others, and the biggest thing pf all I hated was being forced by mom to go down for the meals that I was barely able to stand and in the process, having to interact with other clients who I can stand even less. The last four years of my life have been good otherwise but what has made it bad is enough to me to dislike this place as a whole. Now I have a meeting this coming Monday with people from participation house which is a place where mom believes the care is better. I will have my own schedule and be able to do things I need/want when it suits me rather than having to go by the schedule that works for everybody else. As a matter of fact, this has been the case for the better part of half the time I’ve lived alone as the place I lived before had the same criteria with me having to go by other’s schedules to get the care I need ETC. One thing that upset me more than anything about this place was their inability to give me proper time where mom was concerned. A big part of my life is being able to talk to her every day. That being said, she is very hard to reach at certain times over the phone. Often times when I tried to reach her before my scheduled call and was unable to, most times, (not all,) but most times, staff forced to to go through with my call despite still not talking to her. This was something she was ok with despite not talking to her and despite my insistence that she needs to come first and that staff need to wait, (I have even gone as far as to indirectly swear at them, saying they can “f” off and that they need to know their place/have no place when mom is present or on the phone with me,) ETC. Despite mom knowing my intentions were to her benefit, she always argued in favor of them and even went as far as to say she would not talk to me if I rushed through my call which would in turn result in it not getting done properly, or if I was rude and/or confronted the staff on not waiting or impeding on a call with mom that’s already in progress. Pretty much, anytime mom has been around, staff have done me no favors by being in my presence.

I don’t know where this problem came from but suddenly as I tried to go to sleep, I woke up with a sudden pain all over my body which in turn caused me to hallucinate a scenario in my head. What if the fire alarm went off while I was on the phone with mom? Obviously logic would dictate that I would need to evacuate first of all but also that mom would want me to do so rather than be on the phone with her. Though this has never happened before in reality, a scenario played out in my head where it did and it did not end well for the staff in question. I cannot mention names but there were a few possibilities of who these people could be. The biggest problem I had was that this situation would likely push me over the edge when combined with all the other times staff have interjected themselves in situations involving mom. I lose completely sight of reality and begin threatening to harm them physically if they try to evacuate me. To make matters much worse, I threaten to harm them physically if mom fails to answer the call I intend to make to her following the drill as I know she is usually only available until 9 because of work. It gets worse than that if anybody can believe it though. I also threaten to harm them if mom fails to answer in a certain number of rings, (of course, I would always say the first ring.) Knowing how this would likely sit with mom, (with her not accepting this and obviously getting mad at me if it was to happen,) I harm them regardless only promising to let up if mom comes and visits me after work. If anybody can believe it, it gets worse than that. They usually need to stand at the door when somebody signs in to ensure they do it properly or if they need help signing it, ETC. Well I find myself in such a bad mood over the events that would have taken place that I force staff to not stand at the door or even look at mom as I feel they have broken our bond by taking away our morning call despite there being a good reason for it. This is followed by profanity used against them and even some mild sexual comments, (depending on who the staff is. Again, I can’t mention names for privacy reasons.) However, the stress from the hallucination was so bad that I felt the need to document this as late as it is and as tired as I am. If I didn’t do this, it would have resulted in the situation getting worse in reality and I would have gotten in trouble. This is something that has happened a lot of times over the course of my stay here and at other places overnight for various reasons but all of these instances have produced the same result…..mom getting mad at me which is something I can’t handle. Also, let’s not forget the main thing as it pertains to this topic. I could be moving and if this is the case, I would definitely want to leave this place first on my own terms but also on good terms with the people here because overall, it has been a really good place. For as many bad memories as I would have, I have some really good ones and I would not want to ruin them.

The preceding scenario did not happen in reality. It was just something that went through my head as I was in pure pain which somehow caused this