The following events place on the date listed in this post’s title. In other words, it was Monday March 19, 2012. As many of you may know from having read my previous posts, my teenage years were not the best and this was owing to what I believed was a bad relationship with my ex girlfriend. The aftermath of this relationship would have lasting negative effects not only for me but for those around me. This continued to get worse with each passing day as I found myself having lost sight of reality where I would go into seemingly random bouts of anger, (sometimes for no reason,) that in my mind were caused by my ex girlfriend despite her no longer being relevant at that point or having any contact with me or my family. It was a known fact that this was occurring as I was unable to move on from the events that occurred at that time and believed that my mother was in a relationship of her own with her that she entered to get revenge on me for not always having the best behavior and for being forced to move with my father due to that behavior. It was during this time that my relationship ended with my ex where my mother continued to have limited contact with her through her friendship with her mother, with me believing her intention was to fall in love with her and disown me in the process. Though this was not true, certain points brought up by my brothers about my mother’s daily schedule at the time lead me to believe there were things going on between them. This included her doing special things for her such as driving her to school in the morning and giving her a job where she worked for her co-op placement. These are all things that my mother failed to do for me at the time, a fact that was the catalyst behind the belief that there was a romantic connection between them, (though this was not the case in reality.) These beliefs served to get worse by each passing day even after my ex had moved away to Brockville with me accusing my mother of still having a relationship with her anytime I would get in trouble for something in the present day, or if mom was home late for work, I believed she was seeing my ex to get revenge on me for not being the greatest son before during or after the relationship. These thoughts were intensified at times when mom said to me in reality that she needed time alone in her bedroom to rest or get changed, ETC with me believing that she was hiding my ex in her bedroom and needed privacy with her. This caused a major scene which nearly involved law enforcement as I refused to grant mom the time she said she needed to relax due to the belief. This scene is not the main topic of discussion for this particular entry, though at the time I felt it could not get any worse than it did on that day. I was wrong. In fact, what occurred on that date paled in comparison to what happened on March 19, 2012. I dare say that the events that occurred on this date were enough to make people believe I didn’t love my mother at all but in reading this, I need everybody to trust me in saying that things are currently rock solid between mom and I like it should have been back then. Something that I need to admit to people is my fear that some of you may think of me as a monster in writing what I’m about to write but please understand that I just had mental problems. I have since gone on to seek out therapy for my problem and there is more therapy to come at some point. Everybody needs to understand that mom and I love each other very much despite what you are about to read.

The events that lead up to March 19, 2012 began on Christmas Eve 2011 when my mother’s then boyfriend was among the visitors we had for a Christmas get together. This was at a time for me when every second thought was “(insert my ex girlfriend’s name,) and mom are together, this is my ex’s fault, that’s my ex’s fault,” ETC. Anyway, about a week later, my mother woke up sick and was vomiting profusely to the point where we all thought she had the flu. A few days later, it turned out that she was pregnant. I found out one afternoon when mom started a conversation with me asking if I liked babies. Now even though I knew her boyfriend was the culprit, I wasn’t seeing things clearly and automatically assumed it was my ex girlfriend or Lisa. Lisa was an imaginary being I created in the weeks following the end of the real relationship to replace my ex. Though it was obvious Lisa wasn’t a real person, she took on the role of my ex at that time and had began stalking her in the same way that I felt my ex was stalking her. I created this imaginary being as I did not want to be alone following the end of my relationship with my ex. Anyway, at this point, it was pretty much a toss up between which one of them could have been the culprit despite me knowing full well who the culprit was in reality. It seemed like reality took a back seat to the imaginary world I was living in. Anyway, the same formula discussed in earlier would occur, with me believing that mom was with my ex anytime she supposedly wanted to be alone and the two of them had joined forces to convince mom to disown me, ETC. Sometimes it was just Lisa who was trying to in a relationship with my mother, sometimes it was just my ex. However, the worst part was when they both were doing it at the same time with her. It was to the point that I hadn’t even considered my mother’s boyfriend to have been the culprit at all. The strange thing was that he was the only one who realistically could have done it. Lisa wasn’t real and my ex had moved away years prior to this but of course, I wasn’t thinking straight and it was stupid of me to think this was happening.

Anyway, a few days prior to the date in question, I began to act out again over the shock that mom would allow my ex and my new girlfriend, (who let’s not forget isn’t even a real person,) to get her pregnant. I would be seen as showing less remorse for my bad actions towards her and even found comfort in what should have been a really bad punishment, even going as far as to look forward to it! Like my previous problems, this one continued to grow more and more in the days leading up to that date. When that date arrived, I had lost complete control of my common sense and the unthinkable happened.

On the night in question, my mother was watching tv with my brothers and I wanted to watch Wrestling. There was a tv in my room in the basement but it wasn’t hooked up to cable. After asking mom if I could change the channel and being denied the request, I went ballistic, worse than I had been up to that point by smashing everything in sight, throwing chairs, screaming blue murder, and swearing. This was all brought on by the vision of my ex and Lisa sitting on either side of mom on the couch. Where mom had said that she was trying to watch the show in reality, it was heard by me as “we are trying to watch the show,” with the two girls telling me to leave them alone and beginning to make out with mom on the couch, (which of course wasn’t real.) These actions lead me to be sent to my room where I willingly went. Rather then take time to reflect on what had happened, I chose to yell and scream and make lesbian references as it pertains to mom saying things such as “my ex is a literal mother fucker,” “my mother has never seen a dick in her life,” she’s nothing but a fuckin whore,” ETC. Needless to say, these actions warranted her prompt and angry arrival. Instead of feeling scared, I channeled what I thought was happening in reality by mocking what I believed was my ex’s current mindset. As mom approached the door and tried to open it, I was able to stop it from opening using my body weight. She was able to get the door open a crack only to get her arm stuck in the door way as I stopped it from opening any further. She was not strong enough to push the door open and her arm was still stuck so she screamed HELP! which prompted my brothers to come down to the basement. Now aware of the situation, my brother used his full body weight to push the door open freeing mom in the process. After tackling me which forced me to fall on the bed and knocking over a folded basket of laundry in the process, he began to choke me saying, “THAT’S YOUR MOTHER!” I was able to release his grip by scratching his face causing him to fall on his knees in a kneeling position in my bed. Once he was released, I dragged him to my closet door and wedged his arm in the track where the door opens and closes. I aggressively shut the door on his arm repeatedly causing him to scream in pain louder with each slam. I then sat with my back against the door to trap his arm while telling mom to “get rid of the fuckin slut,” with the intent of doing more damage to him if she didn’t. After mom used physical force to get me off the door so she can only it, my brother charged at me again forcing me to push him back first into the closet causing him to hit his head on the wall. I shut the door to keep him in there. Once the door was closed, I then yelled at mom saying, “You want to let that whore get you pregnant? (referencing her real life pregnancy that was caused by he boyfriend.) You don’t love me anymore. It doesn’t matter if you miscarried or not, you let that whore jump inside you and now you got your other kids involved. They’re physically suffering my wrath because of you, because of the decisions you made. Do you fuckin hate me that much?” Then, in an absolute show of craziness, I began to speak as if I was her girlfriend who was trying to seduce her.

“(As my ex and then Lisa,) “Come on Lucie, (my mother’s name,) let’s make another baby. It’s not like Jeff is here anymore. Now we can be together. Now fuck me!!!!” I then grabbed her hand and forced it on what would be her “special place” claiming that this is what she wanted all along. At this point, my brother had freed himself from the closet and charged me hitting me repeatedly until he developed a bruise. After gaining the upper hand, I used my dresser to once again smash his arm and hold it there where mom used the threat of law enforcement if I didn’t release him. Doing the first rational thing I have done since the onset of the incident, I obliged but pushed him out of the room before reverting back to lesbian state of mind.

(As my ex and then Lisa) “Now where were we? You see, this is why you can’t have Jeff around here anymore. He doesn’t support your decision to be a lesbian. He doesn’t want you to be happy. Well too bad. If this is what makes you happy, then this is what is going to happen.”

I then proceed to try and remove her shirt, tearing it in the process. Seeing this, my brother got up and charged at me telling my mother I had gone crazy. He attacked me until they finally locked me in the room and went back upstairs. A few minutes later, my brother returned and told me the police were coming to get me. Rather than be scared though, I was happy as I gratefully responded, “Great.” I put my pants on and happily proceeded upstairs where my mother wasted no time in handing out punishments as if they were gifts on Christmas morning with me acting excitedly rather than how I should have been acting.

My mother ended up driving me to Ottawa, (we were living in Rockland at the time,) so I can stay with my father who everybody felt was a bad person for personal reasons. I got in his car where he claimed that this was where I was sleeping that night as he did not have a suitable house to bring me. As he called everybody he knew to try and help us and getting nowhere, he lost sight of reality himself, screaming at me and saying “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO?” ALL OVER A FUCKIN GIRL YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN FUCKIN THREE GOD DAMN YEARS. AS YOUR FUCKIN FATHER, I’M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW THAT YOU’RE NEVER SPEAKING TO ANOTHER FUCKIN GIRL AGAIN AND IF YOU DO….OH I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU IF i FIND OUT!”

This was a reference to the many issues he had to deal with in the aftermath of the relationship and the many times he had previously said that me having a girlfriend wasn’t a good idea. His tirade didn’t end there though.

“AS YOUR FATHER, I’M GOING TO ACT YOU A QUESTION. I NEED YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME. FACE IT SON, WE’LL NEVER HAVE ANY RESPECT FROM ANYONE AGAIN. WOULD IT BE BETTER IF WE BOTH WERE JUST TO DIE? IT’SOBVIOUS WE CAN’T FUCKIN LIVE LIKE THIS.” He then did the unthinkable.

Without getting a response from me, he pounced on the gas pedal intending to crash into a nearby highway sign, stopping only when I began to cry.

“THIS IS WHAT YOUR FUCKIN GIRLFRIEND DID TO ME. I’M SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT HER EVERY FIVE GOD DAMN MINUTES AND GETTING HURT BECAUSE OF HER, (a reference to the countless assaults he had to endure by me in the aftermath of the relationship,) AND YOU ARE RUINING THIS FAMILY. YOU’RE RUINING YOUR LIFE AND YOU KNOW WHAT? BY THE LOOKS OF IT, YOU HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE. YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU AND ME, YOUR BROTHER HATES YOU AND ME. WE ARE BETTER OFF DEAD THAN ALIVE RIGHT NOW. YOU CAUSED THIS. NOBODY ELSE. WHERE EVER YOU END UP TONIGHT, IT’S YOUR FAULT SO I HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION OF WHETHER YOU SHOULD BE COMFORTABLE OR IN PAIN. WELL, THERE’S NO LIVING COMFORTABLY AFTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE NOW SO I THINK IT’S BEST IF WE JUST BOTH DIED.”

Now obviously he did not go through with killing me as I’m writing this entry some 13 years later by this point but I could tell he had that intention . Unfortunately as a last resort, he tried to get me into rotary, (which is a place that I don’t like if you were to read my previous reviews. As he parked the car, I locked the door from the inside to prevent him from opening it where mom called, having calmed down from the ordeal and told me that I could come back home under the strictest of regulations and made it clear that I would be offered no favors and no special treatment from anyone once I returned. I made it home around 1:00 a.m. that morning and was confined to my room for a week, only being spoken to when necessary and having no money in my account at all, (I think my balance was -$125.00 when I checked it following the ordeal.) This lasted for upwards of two weeks after the events. In those two weeks, I had received death threats from my brother for simply being in the same room as he was, (he actually put a knife to my throat a few times,) as well as the strictest of warnings from my uncle who at the time lived down the street from us and is usually jubilant and fun to be around except for when he means business. Well this time he meant business and he called me a few days after the ordeal and said that if he hears of something happening like that again, he will kick my ass. He said he doesn’t care if I’m disabled or not. Of course, that never happened and I’m sure he didn’t mean it but everybody felt threatened by me during this time and quite frankly, I don’t blame them. I don’t know how I was spared if I’m being honest. This was by far the darkest day in my life. As most people in my life don’t care what my father has to say currently, as a matter of fact, we wish he would say nothing, he does bring up a good point in terms of how this all started. It was over a girlfriend I had. If I could do this much damage because of a girlfriend years after we break up, is it really a good idea for me to have one?

In conclusion, I just want to say that everything discussed in this entry is past tense and is not relevant currently. As a matter of fact, I’m one of mom’s biggest supporters these days and we have a great relationship. This entry just goes to show that it wasn’t always like this but I guess at the same time, it serves as a reminder to me of how much mom loves me as she failed to do what I think most people would have done in that situation and disown me. Despite everything that occurred back then, she never gave up on me even when I felt I didn’t deserve it. This to me is an example of true love. True love does not have to apply only in sexual relationships but those of mother and son as well and I’m very appreciative of the fact that through it all, mom maintained love for me. She still does to this day and that same love and respect is shown to her through the countless calls I make to her in one day which is another story.

Needless to say, March 19, 2012 is a day in my life that I will never forget. To say the least though, it was not one of my better days but at least I got through it.