At this point in my life, my girlfriend had just broken up with me. This left me heartbroken and unsure of to do with the rest of my life. I was frowned upon for my sins against her by her parents who will never allow her to see me again despite my girlfriend still harboring feelings for me. My attempts at calling her house and texting her are ignored at first until she is able to find a quiet place to talk to me where her parents won’t find out. She professes her love for me but advises me to refrain from calling as she does not want her parents to find out. Though I agree to, I tell her there will never be anyone like her. At this point, her father storms in the room and is angry. He tells me that if I ever call his house or again or say anything else to his daughter, he will call police. Despite my profession of love to her, he overpowers me while threatening me if I do not leave his daughter alone. With no other way to defend myself, I hang up the phone and cry myself to sleep.

Weeks go by where my mother has suggested that I try to find another girlfriend. I ignore her wanting nothing else but to call my now ex girlfriend my own. Mom informs me that despite her best efforts, she has been unable to convince her parents to give me another chance. She provides another suggestion that maybe I don’t need a girlfriend at this point in my life citing the numerous problems I had with my previous one. This is something that I try my best to go by. I was thinking that maybe I was too old to have a girlfriend. Maybe if I was to have another one, the consequences would be worse this time around as I’m now much older. These consequences could result in jail time if I wasn’t careful. With all of this in mind, I finally give up my pursuit of a girlfriend.

Problems arise as I go for walks outside and see couples who are as happy as can be holding hands, kissing, hugging and sharing meals with each other while on a date. This challenges my current mindset as I start to feel the same heartbreak I once felt for my previous girlfriend. I successfully drown out my sorrow but as I turn around, I find my ex girlfriend herself in a tight liplock with another guy as they start to plan their wedding! This sends me into a deep depression which eventually transitions into anger which nobody can control, not even myself despite my best efforts. For years, I become this angry monster that nobody wants to be around and any mention of my ex girlfriend sends me into this crazy state where I lose all sense of reality and I present myself as a danger to those closest to me. This gets to a point where mom forbids me from having another girlfriend. This sends me into an even bigger bout of depression where the only comfort I find in satisfying my romantic desires came in the form of self pleasure.

It was one day where I was actually myself. I tried to analyze what went wrong in my relationship and what lead to our breakup in the first place. After long periods of thought, I came to the conclusion that I was jealous of her anytime she spent time with anybody besides me. This jealousy got worse when she requested to have alone time with the person she was spending time with as this incited thoughts of them getting intimate behind my back even though my girlfriend denied having any intention of doing that while denying that nothing of that nature occurred when she was alone with the other person.

Despite this, repeated thoughts which supported my theory of her having an affair were enough for me to always be present to ensure that nothing was going on even when my presence wasn’t welcome. However, it was my constant accusations of her having an affair along with my refusal to allow her to have her own space and life away from me that lead to our downfall. She simply could not stand my jealousy anymore and this was something her parents also agreed with.

As hard as it was for me to accept, I had to accept the fact that it was all my fault. The bigger problem was the question of how to deal with this with any other girl I start dating. What was I supposed to do? Tell a girl that because she’s dating me, she can no longer talk to anyone else and had to be with me all the time? Was I supposed to make a rule that I basically owned her and everything and everybody else in her life had to go through me? I knew this wouldn’t work. I knew that as much as any girl would love me and as much time as she would want and need to spend me with me that she would need just as much time with other people as well. With this in mind, I realized that I could never have another girlfriend especially if I indeed had those feelings that she was a possession more than a human being. I realized I couldn’t have what I wanted in a girl because I had unrealistic expectations. No girl would ever drop everything else and everybody else in her life just because of my belief that a person should give up their whole life just because they start dating someone.

I sat there and thought to myself how I could rectify this situation so that maybe I could have another girlfriend. Unfortunately there was no other way as long as I maintained the belief that the girl I fall in love with had to be willing to give up any sort of life and people, (maybe even family,) she had prior to meeting me just to make me happy. I needed someone who would be able to give me exactly what I wanted. The problem was that no such person existed in the world but the problem was also part of the solution. If I couldn’t have a real girlfriend to make me happy, I thought maybe I could create one. This girl would do everything for me anytime I wanted and would be with me every minute of every day and had no other obligations. This girl was named Megan and literally nobody else could have her. She was literally the girl of my dreams.

Written by the author of “Silent Love” Jefferson Bert