There have been many instances over the course of my life where the smallest thing can have the biggest impact. This impact will usually cause me to stress about it sometimes even long after it’s relevant. In most cases, the smallest thing can refer to something as simple as a bus being late to pick me up or having to book one. Sometimes it can be a financial crisis and other times it can be brought on by the presence of someone in my head who is not real like my girlfriend if that makes any sense. Well in this particular case, at least I can say it was something real that happened and even though it appeared harmless, I have to say that it takes the cake in terms of being a prime example of something small dictating the course of my day in terms of my overall mood. The worst part about this is that was happened wasn’t even bad and to be honest a lot of people may enjoy what happened. One of my biggest faults over the course of my life is that I have never been known to be the type of person who likes what other people would like and to be honest, I really don’t care what anybody else like or even thinks of me. In a nutshell, this is actually where the problem I’m having lies.

I had a really good sleep last night and was looking forward to a day at the mall with mom. For as long as I can remember, she has been the type of person who seems to have opposite views than I do on how to live, act, and eat among other things. However, one thing we tend to disagree on is my social network. While I would much rather just maintain the social network I currently have, (which consists of my step brother who I am best friends with along with his wife and sister in law whom I am not as close to as I am to him,) mom has always strived for me to have other friends and even a girlfriend which I have been known to be dead set against as I believe it would harm my step brother’s self esteem as being my best friend if I have other ones. My thought is that having other friends would cause him to be insulted and believe he’s not a good enough friend even though he has admitted that he would not be insulted if I was to find other friends. As far as having a girlfriend is concerned, just look around this site for the many entries I have posted detailing why I would never go back after what happened in my teenage years.

Since high school ended for me, mom has tried her luck enrolling me in a number of social groups aiming to get me to break free from my introverted nature. To go through all of them would take too long but in every single instance, the same outcome occurred. I refused to be social enough with anybody else in the group and would only make courteous small talk ‘Hi how are you?” ETC and usually I would do this only after the other person started the conversation. Other than that, I would remain quiet and only speak when necessary while silently wishing I was anywhere else on earth. I should also mention that I have never stayed in a program for longer than six months despite most of them costing mom money to enroll me. When each group ended with me having no more friends and still no girlfriend, it always lead to mom saying that (insert name of group,) would be the last one I would enter especially if that group was one that cost her money and usually after a fight had occurred in which she initially tried to get me to remain in the group despite my objections in doing so.

Despite her saying this numerous times, she has continued her pursuit in boosting my social circle to my dismay even going as far as to say that outings I take on my own would not happen anymore as my argument would be that I don’t like being in big groups which mom counters by saying, “You go to movies/restaurants and there are other people there.” Despite my comeback to this being that I don’t actually go with them or bother with them, she’ll usually come back by saying “But their still there.”

At the end of October, I was enrolled in another group called “Lunch ability.” Like any other group I’ve been enrolled in, I did not like this one. I had gone there numerous times before and has been taken on and off the list due to the same formula occurring with a fight between mom and I when I refuse to be social with anyone or show any signs of interest, ETC. Having not gone for upwards of years, (although it may have only been months, I’m not exactly sure but it was a while,) I was actually somewhat eager to go to the Experimental Farm in the hopes of meeting someone. Like every other group I’ve been in though, stress overshadowed the tiny bit of excitement I had and I quickly reverted back to hating the group’s existence especially since the barn smelled like a barn and the food was no good. Five minutes into this group, I was once again wishing I never had to go back. For this to happen though, I knew there had to be a long time between the last one and the next one. It seemed like fate was on my side as the last Lunch ability I was at, (not the last one there was as there was one that I missed before the Experimental Farm due to being informed of it at the last second,) was in February where they said the budget wasn’t there for them to guarantee that they could have one every month.

Well their financial situation must have turned around in a hurry and this is where the problem started for me. I got a text from mom with the details of the next Lunch ability meeting to take place on Monday which as everybody can imagine stressed me out. Despite this being the case, I tried to make the best of the mall outing but got upset after I tried to tell mom I did not want to go to Lunch ability which in turn caused her to become upset. From there, a bit of an argument took place where she informed me that it’s not a big deal while still showing signs of annoyance over my reluctance and hesitation to go willingly. After pointing out that I felt like I could never tell her I don’t like anything or that I’m opposed to something she suggested for me due to her always getting mad when I do, it turned into a fight. Despite us leaving the mall on good enough terms, I was able to sense that there was still a lot of unresolved anger inside her during our phone conversations.

At the time of this writing, I’m getting over a cold which seems to be effecting my ears and I’m having a hard time hearing on my right side. During my stint with a cold, I developed flu like symptoms which seem to have manifested due to the fight. After becoming ill in the washroom, mom dismissed my symptoms saying that I just ate too much and that I was stressed while adding another stipulation if I fail to go to Lunch ability willingly.

There’s one thing that I refuse to do no matter how old I get and this is to spend Christmas alone. I don’t mean I want a girlfriend. What I mean is that I want to spend it with mom. In the ten years that I’ve lived alone, I have yet to spend Christmas alone no matter how bad things were leading up to the holiday and how much I was convinced that I would for certain circumstances. Perhaps as motivation for me to go to Lunch ability, mom said that the holidays would not happen if I did not go despite me failing to understand how me not wanting to go to Lunch ability had anything to do with Christmas. Mom said that she would not do things with me if I didn’t do things for myself. It appeared to me as if she didn’t care about me not wanting to go and that for some reason, because I don’t want to go to Lunch ability, it means I don’t want to spend Christmas with her. I don’t know how many times I told her I have no interest in meeting other people and that she needs to be ok with the situation the way it is. I couldn’t believe that she was base her decision on whether or not we spend Christmas together oh whether I make new friends. This was officially ridiculous. She literally told me that if I don’t go to this place, Christmas would be over. Why can’t she just accept the fact that I don’t want to and be ok with it? Why can’t she just be happy with the current situation? All of these questions lead me to get very angry especially after she dismissed my symptoms when I was sick earlier in the evening. It was probably a good thing that wasn’t around to see what happened next. To put it into perspective, I was in a mood that would make the grinch seem jolly before his heart grew three sizes.

Despite having a good idea that mom would not go that far, the shock of it lead me to have a nervous breakdown and go through numerous bouts of screaming and whining loudly, (which is my attempt to cry. This is something I cannot do for some reason possibly due to my age but I have not cried for any reason in years.) I knew it was only a matter of time before my staff got involved over the noise level. Prior to this occurring though, I began to cough uncontrollably and hold my stomach due to my reflux while going through phases of belief that mom would actually go through with not wanting to spend Christmas with me while aggressively shaking my bed helper and my super pole out of anger while loudly exclaiming “You don’t love me. If you did, we would spend Christmas together,” among other things I can no longer remember. Once staff got involved, I told them straight up to leave me alone twice only for me to experience more of the same issues afterwards.

At one point, a staff knocked at my door with me saying, “If it’s not 1010, leave me alone.” 1010 is my normal time for staff care. When she proceeded to enter anyway, I asked, “Does anybody around here know what leave me alone means?” She replied by saying something to the effect of “You are causing a disturbance…ETC, before attempting to leave with me telling her to come back so I can talk to her. After refusing to oblige, I called the other staff to complain that I had been threatened by her. She came in to talk to me but was forced out after I unintentionally got up from my bed with force leading her to believe I was going to attack her. She told me to take five and then call her back to return. Once she came back, I was sitting in my chair calmly where I told her about the fight I had with mom and how the other staff threatened me by walking into my room and leaving. She said this was for health and safety reasons which I took exception to.

Not understanding how health and safety applied to the situation but having a good idea, I replied by saying….

“Do I smell bad? Yeah, I’m totally going to beat you up. I was being sarcastic. Of course I’m not going to beat you up. I know what I will get if I do. I will be out of here and mom would have my head. You’re not in any danger coming in here. I’m just having a bad day. I don’t feel well and I just had a fight with my mother. I’ve been fighting people all day, not physically but I’ve been in arguments. I want to assure you that I have no intention of harming you nor do any of my problems concern you. But when you act the way the other staff did, I feel like a monster. I’m not a monster. I just had a bad day. You can’t fix my problems and they are certainly no business of any other client so when I say to leave me alone, it just means I need time to myself.”

My response to the staff.

After more of the same problems occurred after they left, it lead me to document the problem on this site despite being very tired and on pills for a headache that I sustained during the ordeal.

I naturally gave up on tv for the night despite numerous attempts to at least watch YouTube videos in place of movies or Wrestling like I normally would as I had so much taken out of me that I couldn’t enjoy anything.

The moral of the story is that I know I will not have any fun at Lunch ability. Unfortunately, it manifested into a big problem. Like I said before, it’s a good thing mom wasn’t around to witness this.

By Jefferson Bert