There’s certain things that should be illegal in this world. These are things that would land people in jail if they were caught doing them. Those who want to stay on the right side of the law would never steal from a store or commit a murder. However, I have my own interpretation of what the perfect crime would be. Actually as far as I’m concerned, there should be two things that could occur in my life that shouldn’t. One is much less worse than the other but they both pretty much tie into the same problem. First of all, I will say that if I have my way until the day I die, no day shall pass without me talking to mom. Those who are responsible for creating a situation where I cannot talk to her will earn themselves a piece of my wrath. However, an even bigger crime than that would be me ever meeting another girlfriend as this would in turn cause problems between mom and I just like they did when I was a teenager. I’m not going to get too far into detail about this as I’m sick to death of talking about what happened between us but I will say this. My ability to reminisce about her was my downfall to say the least. As a matter of fact, something I’ve learned over the years is that this may not just be limited to her. I have recently found myself reminiscing negatively about people and situations that occurred in my childhood, (most of which took place in school,) where I was ridiculed by teachers for one reason or another. In the present day, I will act as if that problem is relevant and will act accordingly. Most of the type I will find myself reenacting a situation that occurred in the past and mimicking the emotion that it caused in the present. Earlier tonight, I found myself in a situation that took place almost 30 years ago where I believe a teacher scolded my performance in the school Christmas play in favor of everyone else in the class. Back then, it caused me to back out and refuse to participate any further and then eventually cry. Now in the present day, the same argument was being had between me and that teacher complete with the tears that occurred on that day as well. I managed to drop a few tears before coming back to reality and realizing how long ago it was before I literally started crying in the present.

Now this situation has happened a lot recently with a variety of different situations. I will see myself in a situation which initially upset me from the past only to lose sight of reality in the present and believe and act as if it is happening currently. While I cannot think of any other scenarios other than the one previously described above, I will say that more often than not, this occurs as a result of my failed relationship with my first girlfriend. As most of you may know from having read my previous entries which discuss this topic, I created a fake girlfriend in the months following my ex’s departure which in turn caused me problems as I lost sight of reality and pretty much forgot she was imaginary. At her peak, we would argue like any couple and I would be seen having conversations with her as if she was a real person. However, there was also a point where she brought about the same issues as my real girlfriend did with mom. To make it really simple, I don’t want to disclose what those problems were as they are embarrassing to think about and I would not want to be judged by the online community but what I thought was happening really wasn’t but if it was, let’s just say that mom really accepted my girlfriend and in doing so no longer accepted me. The problem was that even though I knew it wasn’t happening, not to mention the fact that I knew she wasn’t real, my brain played tricks on me and caused me to believe that it was . This caused nothing but chaos in my life and my family’s life as I’m sure they probably wished I never met my first girlfriend in the first place and that I would never meet another one.

Fast forward to present day and I have come to terms with the fact that what I initially thought was happening really wasn’t. This realization caused me to rethink the possibility of having a girlfriend as I felt I still had a lot to offer my ex when she left. On the other hand, I have had moments where I remember all of the problems it caused me to have one the first time and I change my answer, albeit temporarily to not wanting one again fearing the worst in terms of consequences should the same situations arise. However, this would only last until I get into the mood to believe hat I don’t want to be alone forever and the desire to get another girlfriend some day is reinstated as a possibility. The answer to the question of whether or not I should have one keeps going back and forth and this usually depends on the frame of mind I’m currently in.

Recently though I have found myself enjoying the freedom of a single life when I have realized all of the things that my friend who is married has to deal with as I’m glad I do not have to deal with them. I feel like having a girlfriend may mean I cannot do things I enjoy anymore. I’m at a point where I would prefer to be in solitude rather than in company with others anyway.

This is supported by the fact that it appears recently that I have reverted back to the belief that my girlfriend is real and often times I have found myself once again losing sight of reality in the present though this time around, the interval between when I black out and return to reality is usually very slim and doesn’t last long. Having said that, these black outs will generally produce more violent feelings which are usually accompanied by screaming and swearing out loud in the present. I would say that for the past 3 or four days, black out images, (as I will call them,) consist of more sexual betrayal between my girlfriend and either my mother or brother with the result being me harming her physically as as result and sometimes even murdering her. It usually starts with me walking in on them having sex with each other, (either mom or my brother with my girlfriend,) only for me to get violent with my girlfriend as the one who is having sex with her says that took up with her as a result of my giving her too much space and not treating her right. In my brother’s case, it’s just because he finds she is hot. In my mother’s case, it’s because she would have been forced into sexual activity with her through spending time with her alone. In both instances, I’m blacklisted from both of their lives.

Other times, the black out sequence won’t be sexual in nature but may produce more violence. Though I don’t generally like to give detail, I will give exact detail on this as it is bothering me. It involves mom pretty much having chosen my girlfriend over me, (though not as her girlfriend yet,) as she arrives at my house to supposedly pick me up unaware that my girlfriend is visiting me, (at this point in the scene we are still dating each other.) Anyway, seeing how much she wants to go to where ever we were supposed to go, she decides to initially invite her only to decline bringing me at all. She will often use excuses such as “I’m tired, I just got off work,” ETC to justify not bringing me. This leads to an argument over her desire to bring her instead of me which turns physical. I grab her arm, tie her up and push her down a flight of stairs causing her to bleed. The two are able to escape and get in her car only to have me jump on the hood and break the window in an attempt to harm her. However, in successfully breaking into the vehicle, something accidentally happens to mom, (I don’t know what this is,) but it ultimately leads to her death. I see myself screaming at my girlfriend, “Look what you made me do you f—-n w—e/b—h ETC. At this point, I come back to reality and have to face the consequences of me having screamed blue murder and swearing out loud for the building to hear. This will almost always result in real life calls from staff over noise complaints which in turn earns me an earful when mom finds out. With all this said, a fuckin imaginary being is causing me nothing but hell.

Now I initially wasn’t going to write a post on this. However, as I laid down to go to bed, another scenario crossed my mind. This one did not involve any member of my family but the staff where I live. It takes place tomorrow morning around the time I usually call mom. There is a fire alarm before I have a chance to talk to her and with good reason, staff come to evacuate the building forcing me to leave me phone behind. During the fire alarm, my phone rings and my girlfriend is there who answers it. Of course it’s mom. She brings the phone inside the stairwell so I can talk to her. There is another client with me in the stairwell who is bothered by me being on the phone. As mom realizes this, she tells me to call back once it finishes. Moments later, the alarm stops and I force my girlfriend to stand on the edge of the top of the steps leading down into the next set. I tell her that if mom fails to answer the call on the first ring, (as she is difficult to reach,) then I will not only break up with her but push her down the stairs potentially injuring or even killing her. Of course, she fails to answer and I shove her down the stairs causing her head to break open. I exit the stairwell to find a staff standing there. I tell them to look down at her broken body with a warning that if they evacuate me before I talk to mom again, the same fate awaits them.

It was at this point when I realized I had gone too far especially as this scenario involves a physical threat to staff. I knew I needed to write a post on this to get it out of my system.

Having said that, I feel there is only one way to ensure that I never have this problem in real life. I NEED TO NOT MEET ANYBODY ELSE EVER AGAIN! No more social groups. No more best friends. It’s not even that it’s no longer a good idea anymore. It’s that it should be outlawed completely for me to have any sort of intimate relationship. To quote one of mom’s favorite movies and mine as well, there was a song in “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with the verse that says “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” Well, maybe the world does need that but just not from me.

So what is the perfect crime in my eyes? Me having a girlfriend. I guarantee that this is the last thing I need, that mom needs or that the world needs.

By Jefferson Bert