When I first acquired this site, I was at a point in my life where I was into movies. This site gave me a platform to discuss my favorite ones that I would watch. It even gave me the title of an unpaid movie critic. This was the closest I have ever gotten to having a job since my real one failed within the government.

Now the concept of real vs fake/imaginary is going to play a key role in the topic of this post. People say that I have no real reason to be upset. On the surface, I have a great family who loves me and friends. Yes it is true that all of my problems are fake. They consist of imaginary beings that exist only in my head and not to the real world. But what happens when these imaginary beings cause me problems in the real world? What if there was a period of time in which those supposed imaginary beings were alive in my brain and I would find myself trapped inside a world that doesn’t exist to confront them only to realize they never existed in reality? Well I would think that I would indeed have some problems.

You see a lot of people may think I have issues with sanity and even childlike issues as I tend to react to people that aren’t there. Trust me when I say that my only saving grace is the fact that they’re not there. Anyone who witnesses me in these bizarre states of mind can think less of me if they want to. To be quite honest, I do believe myself that in every instance of these beliefs that I have some problems at least with common sense. However, as bad as these periods of frustration over imaginary things are, they do provide me with a clear answer to a question I’ve had for quite some time now. It is clear that these imaginary people or beings or whatever I want to call them need to stay that way…..imaginary. I believe that if any of these people were to show their face to me, I would do something horrible to them.

I’m a fan of those creepy thriller type movies where one person stalks another and goes on a rampage if they see them with other people. These types of films would scare people as close to me as my mother. I’ve seen enough of them to understand what their motivations are. They become jealous of the time that other people get with the person they should be with and act accordingly if they feel threatened in their position. They do this by murdering the person who gets the extra time. These types of movies don’t scare me and you know why? Because I’m just like this in real life. I don’t want anybody taking my place in mom’s life as her number one and I will not tolerate my brothers being manipulated against me in favor of the person I’m with either.

It started about two months ago during a Christmas party. I foolishly caught the eye of another girl who I may like despite my objections to dating again for the above listed reasons. All I knew was her name. I never said a word to her but she turned my crank to use the old saying.

We’ve obviously never dated since we never even spoke. Going into the new year, mom tried to enlist me in the same group she was in so I can get to know her. Nothing ever came of this. I never got a clear answer as to whether or not I was accepted into the group. Now that it’s been about two or so months since then, everybody’s already forgotten about this except me.

As the question of whether or not I should ever have another girlfriend was uncertain, I made it my mission to remain with as many friends and no girlfriend as I already have. I came to this conclusion when the thought of me even joining groups eventually lead me to random fits of anger like I’ve been experiencing for the past couple of months. With this in mind, mom accepted my wish and I think this is when she called off the pursuit of me joining this group.

So with the question now emphatically answered, you would think that all would be well for me right? WRONG! As a matter of fact, these random fits of anger became more violent and even criminal with me intentionally harming people I meet and this brings about the risk of me getting thrown away. However, today’s issue was a little bit longer before I realize the girl wasn’t real and it involved an attack on mom! Needless to say, the only reason I’m able to write this post is because the whore doesn’t exist. I don’t even know if it’s the same girl as it was at the party or not.

It involves me getting physical with her when she walks in the door with mom as I then feel threatened over my place in her life. This comes about as mom says she will not stop seeing her or spending time with her just because I don’t like it but attempts to make me feel better by saying “I’m only doing it for you. So you can live a happy life with her.” This is very similar to the issues that arose in my teenage years. It didn’t end well there and this did not end well here either.

After mom refuses to give me the money I ask for but still gives her some, an argument takes place which eventually turns physical ending with me slapping her, punching her, and choking her! NOW I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN REALITY! IT WAS PART OF THE BLACKOUT AS I WILL CALL IT!

Eventually, mom gives in and affords me her last dollar which causes me to cease the attack before I finally come back to reality and realize that I have no girlfriend.

In another scenario, we’re at the movies with the girl, (supposedly the one from the party,) holding her hand to walk with her to the theatre. The theatre in question has an elevator to get to the auditoriums. I see this as I exit the elevator. Also I should probably mention that the girl is disabled and would need help to get to the theatre which is why mom was holding her hand.

Failing to use that logic, I angrily approach them from behind in a jealous rage. I grab the girl’s arm while calling her a b—h and launch her down the nearby escalator all the way to the lobby of the cinema telling mom to sit her ass down and not try to help her or “She will be next” as I put it. As mom fears for her own safety, she complies. It is unclear whether or not the girl survives the fall from the top of the escalator.

Clearly this was a hallucination or whatever you want to call it as I know that mom would never just sit there and allow that to happen with no punishment laid down. She would not give into me. I know it would be the exact opposite. The shit would hit the fan to use the old saying. She would no longer talk to me and I’m sure we would not be going to the movies.

Once I pulled myself out of this scene, (as I will now refer to it,) I realized there’s not a chance in hell that I should ever or will ever talk to another girl as long as I live. This shouldn’t just be illegal. It should be criminal for me to ever be in the company of any other female again. Especially given the fact that my own mother who in reality, I think of as the greatest person on earth gets assaulted by me. Once that happened, I knew for sure that I was going too far. This scene finally answered what is known as the age old question as far as I’m concerned about whether or not a girlfriend should be a possibility. THIS IS A HARD NO! The reality is if it ever did happen again, I could end up dead or worse.

I also just proved something else. People say they don’t want to sleep for fear or having bad dreams or nightmares. Well I believe that you don’t even need to sleep to be in a nightmare.

Having a girlfriend would be nothing short o f a nightmare for me and that’s all there is to it.

By Jefferson Bert