As a man in my early to mid 20’s, I had been going through a very rough patch as I attempted to get over the anger that stemmed from my first relationship with my ex girlfriend. As I have stated in previous entries which discuss my love life, (as brief as it was,) after my ex girlfriend moved away and I knew I was never going to see her again and more importantly that members of my family would never have contact with her again, well let’s just say she was hard to forget about. It’s a common saying that a person n ever forgets their first true love but I’m sure there was a point at which members of my family not only wished I could forget about her but wished I never met her in the first place.

I don’t like to mention my father a lot. I will say that our relationship in the past few years has been very strained. I have not seen him in person in about five years to this point. I don’t miss him and as of right now, we do not have a relationship with each other. I don’t miss him and I don’t care if I ever see him again. We had an argument the last time we crossed paths which ended with us severing ties. With all this said, you would think that he never said anything or did anything to help me. Well I’m going to do him a favor and I will give him credit where it’s due. He did say one line that still proves true to this day. This was in regards to whether or not I should ever have another girlfriend. What most people may not know is that anytime something occurred to intensify the rivalry between my then ex girlfriend and myself resulted in things happening to him physically. I would break his arm and hit him numerous times albeit unintentionally as I did not realize what I was doing. At one point, he even collapsed on the floor out of stress during a heated confrontation narrowly avoiding death.

Between all of the broken appendages and the near fatal collapse, he did manage to utter one sentence with any sort of common sense that I still believe to this day. This is a major accomplishment for him as my family believes he’s full of shit to the point that I feel he should come equipped with his own roll of toilet paper every time he opens his mouth. I share in my family’s belief that everything he says and does is BS for lack of a better term. However there was one moment where I believe he was constipated at the mouth one night because for once in his pathetic life, he said something that I’m sure everybody believes to this day. I hope he enjoys this because it’s the only bit of praise I will ever give him and I’m sure my family will agree with this.

“I don’t think you should ever talk to another girl.”

My father one night in response to one of what was many moments of anger with much more to come at that point.

Of course, the night he said this, I denied it but fast forward some 15 to almost 20 years later and not only do I agree with him but I believe it should be outlawed for me to have any sort of female companionship given my age at this point. You see, it was determined a couple of months ago that the reason I persisted in thinking about my ex girlfriend years after she has departed was because I simply had lost track of time. I became so wrapped up in plotting revenge against her for her actions against me which involved my mother as well that I forgot about the passage of time. This happened suddenly. I realized that I wasn’t a teenager anymore but a man in his mid 30’s. I realized that it had been almost 20 years since she had contact with any of us. Mom had gotten remarried and had forgotten all about her. For about 15 to 20 years, I had simply forgotten that I had gotten older. As I realized how ridiculous I had been acting, I dropped her from my mind. I still remember her but she was no longer brought up in conversation every five minutes nor was I capable of being happy one minute and a complete monster the next like I had been for years.

With the end of my first relationship, I was faced with the question of whether or not pursuing another one was a possibility. In the five minute gaps between when I was myself and a monster, my family had come to the conclusion that the failed relationship was a result of my immaturity since I was a teenager at the time. They believe that given how mature I am now as opposed to back then as well as how much time has passed since the first relationship ended that maybe I could give it a try. Despite being somewhat skeptical due to what happened the first time, I cautiously agreed with them. This was proved when I realized that I may have a lot to offer a girl. I figured that it may even help that mom was married to someone else now. On the other hand though, I was still very reluctant as I did not want to revert back to the way I was in my teenage years if things didn’t wok out.

For years, I have been faced with scenarios that go back and forth between it happening the right way and wrong way. At certain points, I have feelings which may indicate that it indeed could be a possibility while I have memories of the horror that I faced in my teenage years where I remind myself of the monster I had become. When I finally come back to reality, I tell myself that there’s no way I could ever live with myself if I was to revert back to the way I was before. I now realize that the consequences to my actions could result in imprisonment as I’m now an adult as well as the end of my relationship with mom and other members of my family who I do care about. I believe that I have a lot going for me but that one wrong move could result in me losing it all. This is a situation I could never live with. As I come to this realization, I start to believe that it should be outlawed and that I basically may as well turn myself in if I’m going to allow myself to start seeing someone again. With this in mind, the answer becomes a hard no.

At this point, the answer is no. This fact was further proved based on the fact that it appears that I can’t even look at a girl who I find attractive without having these moments. In one of my recent posts, (I think it was the one titled “The Nightmare” or it could have been “The Perfect Crime,”) I talked about a girl who I vaguely came across at a Christmas party. Though no words were exchanged between the two of us, (I also don’t think she recognized me,) it was enough for me to believe that she could possibly be my girlfriend. Sure enough despite the facts, I have had moments since then where I had thought about her potentially being my girlfriend where the same issues occur. There is a slight difference in the way this happens now as opposed to back then though. Back in my teenage years, one wrong thought could lead me to a frenzied state where I was inconsolable which would last for hours. Nowadays, the thoughts are much more brief and only last until I’m able to come to the realization that it’s not real while reassuring myself that I should definitely not seek out another one. However, the contents of these thoughts are much more sinister and outright criminal . They even get to the point where I scare myself sometimes. These thoughts have me basically trying to murder the girl I’m with, (it’s not always the girl at the Christmas party,) for committing the same crime which involves my mother that I thought my ex had been committing. At certain points, I even succeed in doing this as well as confronting mom and even threatening her. Based on our relationship in the present, even I feel this goes too far sometimes.

Under normal circumstances, these scenarios will end with the realization that the girl is not with me in reality. However, it can also end with something of importance occurring in the present. This will cause me to divert my attention to the situation in the present, (which is obviously more important than what I’m thinking about,) which in turn will cause me to reenter reality. These occurrences don’t have to be big. It could be something as simple as the phone ringing or someone coming into my house, ETC. Things like this have been occurring every since I saw the girl at the Christmas party though as I said before, not every scenario involves her.

Well one of these situations occurred last night. This one involved the girl at the Christmas party. For days in the present, I have become paranoid that the fire alarm in my building will go off. Usually, this is not a big deal even though it causes me to feel like I’m in danger.

To date, it has never gone off during the time where I should be calling mom. As I have mentioned in previous entries, the two times we have agreed upon are 8:00 a.m. (later on weekends or days that she doesn’t work,) and 8:00 p.m. with texting in between those hours, with an hour leeway. This means that it could take up to an hour but no more for us to actually talk. By 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. respectively, the scheduled call should have been completed.

So the scenario plays out in the morning where mom misses the first 8:00 a.m. call that I attempt. In following the rule, I set my alarm for 15 mins after this, (as the rule states that I can make another attempt 15 mins later if the first call was missed.) Anyway, during that period, the fire alarm goes off and rightfully so, my staff come rushing in and tell me to put my phone down to evacuate me. This is at a time where I’m currently dating the girl from the Christmas party.

She had remained in my unit for some reason when I had to evacuate during which time my phone rang as mom had returned my call, (not knowing the fire alarm had gone off.) My girlfriend, (as I will refer to her for the rest of this post,) picks up the phone and explains to mom what had occurred. Mom is ok with this and she tells my girlfriend to tell me she has to go to work. The fire alarm stops and we are sent back to our rooms before she hangs up. After my girlfriend tells me that mom cannot talk, it brings about the same emotions for me as when I was dating my ex. With my worst fear having presented itself, I don’t the unthinkable and grab a knife and threaten to slice her with it unless mom talks to me at that point as i remind her that she has time to talk to her but not me.

My girlfriend had been undressed while this took place as we had been in the middle of intimacy when the fire alarm went off. After mom hangs up the phone, I proceed to force myself on her causing her to scream. This is done out of anger. The screaming is so loud that the person in charge of the building walks in on us and is outraged at what she sees. She eventually calls mom to tell her what she saw. Before mom can react, I threaten the person in charge that I will move out of this (insert swear word to describe how I feel,) s–thole if the fire alarm disrupts my routine of calling mom again before saying that I will bring my girlfriend with me while telling her to mind her own business. The confrontation soon becomes physical between myself and the building manager before I grab my girlfriend by the arm and threaten to throw her down the stairs if mom doesn’t visit me at that point. Despite saying that she needs to work, she is eventually persuaded when the manager suggests that it may be the only way to calm me down.

With that, mom agrees to come over. As she enters the building where others clients are watching tv, I demand that they confine themselves to their rooms until mom leaves as I fear that they will also attempt to take my place as mom’s number one. When confronted by staff on this, I respond by saying that if the staff knows what’s good for her, she will lock herself in the office and stay there until mom leaves as well. Amazingly, mom doesn’t react to me doing this which further proves that it didn’t happen because I know she wouldn’t just stand there and allow me to demand things from people.

As we proceed upstairs to my room, I show mom a scene from a Christmas movie she has not yet seen, (at least I don’t think so,) where a man is tied to an office chair and is killed in a parking garage when a security guard drives his car with the guy in the chair in front of it into a wall wedging him between the wall and the front of the car…all while holding a woman hostage in the front seat. The name of the movie is P2 and knowing mom the way I do, she wouldn’t make it past the first scene much less this one as it has a gruesome result.

Mom is naturally disgusted at the scene where I tell her that this is the way I want her to treat my girlfriend if she starts putting moves on her and she should also do this to prove her allegiance to me as well. As expected mom declines. I then suggest that she find the actress on Facebook and give her the address to her house so she can come over and get intimate with her. I tell her that while I cannot stop her from liking women in that way, I still refuse to allow it to happen with my girlfriend. Mom is naturally pissed off at me for making the comment, (as in reality she does not like girls in that way,) which I believe leads to us severing ties. As mom leaves in anger, my girlfriend is dismissed the hard way as she is thrown down the stairs to her death as a result.

Though mom and I eventually do rekindle, the violence and inappropriate nature of this thought or hallucination, whatever you want to call it, was enough for me to come to the definitive conclusion of me never having another girlfriend once I returned to the present. For god sake, I literally murdered a girl and almost lost my mother forever. If this was to happen in reality, I could get kicked out of my house. I could lose my mother. I could spend eternity in a jail cell….all because I CAN’T KEEP IT IN THE PANTS! The last time I checked, boys and men are supposed to believe they’ve scored when the hottest girl asks them out. Not constantly accuse them of sleeping with their mothers and killing them! Well I suppose I’m not like any other boy or man.

DATING A GIRL SHOULD BE OUTLAWED FOR ME!

Having said all of this, if I had to choose, my preference would be towards girls. I just have to make sure that their preference is toward me and not my mother!

I have too much going for me currently to be involved with another woman. If you choose to believe it though, I like to think that it could still happen. I mean, this girl was hot enough to start dating me and boy what a stupid decision that turned out to be but when it comes down to it though, I could be a perfect gentleman if given the opportunity.

By: Jefferson Bert