Well I can honestly say that last night was the best night of my life. I got a lot of sleep . I was in a good mood. Nobody was mad at me. I wish I had more of these nights…..NOT!

I’ve learned over the years that when your day starts bad, any attempt to make it better fails. Also, generally speaking you have to deal with one misfortune after another. People get mad at you and you spend almost your whole night on the phone with your mom saying you’re sorry while sweating up a storm and wishing you can fast forward your life to a point where everything goes back to normal. Ok so the last few lines really only applied to me last night. Trust me when I say that sweating profusely and apologizing until I’m blue in the face was only the beginning of my horror though.

It started as one of those nights when my brain turns out to be my worst enemy where I think to myself that I shouldn’t have a girlfriend, ETC with points where I react negatively to her supposed existence, (in this case, it was the girl from the Christmas party. It tends to happen with different girls both real and imaginary,) where (insert name of girl) was once in a relationship with me only to turn on me upon meeting mom. The same story ends up happening with me wanting attention I’m not getting from mom who is in favor of my girlfriend, (whoever that is in the particular scenario,) which lasts until I realize the girl is not real or is no longer relevant if she is a real person who was once in my life, with me using my stepfather’s position in the military as a threat towards her if she does not cease the supposed relationship. Eventually, I realize that mom is happily married to my stepfather and would never do that to me thus making the entire session of grief and anger pointless but in turn causing me real grief due to my actions toward it being present in reality.

To those who have issues with processing too much information at once, I do apologize for the grief I’ve caused you. However, take that entire scenario and apply it to last night’s events but then add literally everybody else that I’ve had problems with, (again both real and imaginary,) and that should account for the situation I felt last night. It wasn’t just the girl from the Christmas party. It wasn’t just my fake girlfriend. It wasn’t just a friend who had really bad health problems. It wasn’t just my stepbrother who is my best friend in real life. It wasn’t just my family. Literally everybody was against me wanting to harm me for my actions against them. Everybody was out to get me. Even those people who initially wanted to help me. I went to war last night with everybody legitimate in my head, (real and fictional,) since my teenage years.

Among my family members existent in this scenario were mom, my stepfather, my step brother, my brother, my stepbrother’s wife, his sister in law, the girl at the Christmas party, (not a family member but I will just include everybody,) the girl we once met who was in and out of the hospital, my fake girlfriend, a bunch of other fake people who don’t exist at all, (mostly female,) some of mom’s friends, and a bunch of police officers and security guards with restraining orders, guns, handcuffs, ETC meant to keep me from mom. My uncle and aunt were sort of the MC’s of my demise. At certain points, they would repeat themselves by using actual dialogue they had used towards me earlier in the day to address their take on the situation.

My uncle: “Nobody is going to want to be around you anymore.”

My aunt: “You weren’t invited to the spa”, (or insert name of place mom was presently going with someone else in my hallucination. However, her exact words were spa because that’s where mom was going in reality.)

Each time they said these two quotes, a different scenario would play out depending on the destination mom was going to with that person. It starts with my uncle saying the same thing, “Nobody is going to want to be around you anymore.” and then cuts to my aunt saying, “You weren’t invited to (insert place,) with the visual being mom and the person being at the place, whether it’s a restaurant or the movies. In about one or two scenarios, there were intimate places such as a bed, a hotel ETC. When these scenarios presented themselves, there was sexual activity going on.

After each scenario, I kept repeating, “Mom hates me/doesn’t love me or care about me and it’s all your fault,” while physically confronting the person in question only to be stopped by my uncle and aunt and in some cases, even the police. At one point, my brother tries to calmly explain the situation to me, saying that mom just needs her space. He then changes his tune when my fake girlfriend shows up in front of him ready to do the deed where he pushes me or bites me, ETC while saying goodbye and threatening to commit a sex act on my girlfriend while I watch to break my heart.

In the present, I took too many pills for a splitting headache and began to hallucinate being watched by a person believed to be a female security guard with two male security guards stationed outside my door. I was able to hear people from my building tell them I should be locked up and that mom tried to ask nicely for me to give her space while saying, “She doesn’t love him anymore and who would love him?” As this is taking place, I hear my uncle and aunt saying “We told you so” before disappearing.

I’m laying in my bed when I ask the person who she is. She begins attacking me with a baton causing my head to throb in real life. Moments later, the two male security guards bang at my door and say (insert first name of female security guard,) ‘Are you there?” “When there’s no response, they say “He must have killed her, he’s dead now.” before breaking the door open and charging at me.

Just then, the pills start to wear off and I realize I was just imagining it because of the medication.

I finally got to sleep around 4:00 a.m. and was able to sleep the rest of the night.

For the love of our lord and savior, (for lack of a better term,) I feel like I essentially need to live in a bubble. If I could go back in time now, I would erase having ever been social with anybody up until now. No social groups. No friends at school, (except for maybe my best friend,) and definitely, no girlfriend. There’s simply no living in peace for me if I have any sort of social life, even after those people are gone.

This is a sign that I need to change my ways. I need to be a loner and have nobody other than my current family in my life. Everybody else can f–k off especially if their presence, (or lack thereof,) is going to result in basically my whole family trying to break my heart and kill me.

It looks like it’s me against the world. This is how it has to be.

By Jefferson Bert