You would think being as old as I am now, I would realize that there is a point where certain things become annoying and repetitive when they’re mentioned over a million times. I don’t know how long the rest of my life is, (I want to assure everyone that I am in relatively good health despite some minor non life threatening issues,) so I mean this in a figurative sense. I’m not in any danger of dying at the time of this writing. Having said that, when my time comes, I should be remembered as the guy who never really escaped his teenage years. I want to be remembered as the guy who’s past problems haunted him for the rest of his natural born existence. Another way I would want to be remembered is as the guy who was consumed by the fear of being replaced by his mother in the aftermath of his first relationship and wasted his time getting mad while making everybody around him miserable which inevitably lead to his own downfall when he stressed himself to the point of a heart attack or stroke without any help from his family or friends who had blacklisted him due to the annoyance caused by the same thought of him being replaced. Of course, having read a bunch of my previous posts, everybody knows how this has effected and annoyed those around me and the lengths I go daily to ensure that my worst fear don’t present themselves in the present, ETC. However, when it starts to annoy me as much as it does everyone else, there’s definitely a problem.

While it is true that people have told me numerous times that I shouldn’t have as girlfriend or even a best friend other than the one I already have, I now believe that myself and I think I’m at the point where everybody else is now. I’m sure everybody sits around thinking to themselves, “Why the fuck did Jeff, (I don’t mind using my own name on the site but I won’t mention anyone else’s. My first name is Jeff,) allow that girl to fall for him in the first place? Does he not realize that just by saying “I love you” to this girl or any other one that the better part of his adulthood will be consumed with the same thought that he is being replaced while annoying everybody else around him to the point of a near mental breakdown as well as himself at he reached his mid 30’s?”

Well apparently the answer was no. I did not think that my trauma would go this far but it has. At the same time they are thinking this thought, their wishing and praying that I never again find myself in the company of another female with fear of more devastating consequences given my age if I ever did. I’m well aware of what could happen to me if things go south with my relationship. I could endure incarceration or being blacklisted from my family and may even need to be placed in an institution all for saying three positive words in the same order towards someone who I feel deserves that privilege, (as I will call it.) Of course, those three words are I love you.

At this point, I’m sick and tired of thinking about girls. I’m sick to death of this unforeseen and ridiculous thought that I will one day be replaced in mom’s life by one. Basically, I’m sick of reliving my teenage years. Yet every fuckin day it’s the same thing at least once. I see a girl having begun to date her in my brain, (recently it’s been the girl at the Christmas party who I’ve described in previous posts,) where the same stuff happens. I get mad and threaten to harm her physically, though sometimes I actually do in my brain and everybody knows that this only lasts until I realize the bitch isn’t real and I come back to reality thinking that it should never really happen, ETC.

However, now it’s at the point where I not only feel like I shouldn’t have another girlfriend but that it should be illegal for me to ever talk to one at all. At the onset of the last scenario played out in my brain, (which involved the girl at the Christmas party,) I sort of stopped midway through and proceeded to tell myself never to even engage with anyone that gives me praise for my good looks again and even get mad at them for asking me out. The scenario itself plays out like a basic one with mom and the girl in question in a public place, (I think my step brother was in this scene as well,) with me having arrived off the bus to find them in the lobby of the place, (I think it was the movies.) Ironically I arrive at the point where mom says that I should be happy with her involvement in the outing. At this point, I come from behind and assault her with a bat or some other tool, (it was blurry.) The end result is as bad as you would expect with her bleeding profusely and left unconscious. This is when I come back to reality and basically saying f–k you to that situation while promising myself to never have anyone again in my life. It’s now gone on longer than even I can take so I can imagine everybody else is at the end of their rope with this too. I also had a brief thought which reenacts the last time I actually saw my ex girlfriend in person which was at a yard sale being held by mom and her mom. Of course, it didn’t end well once I saw her in the driveway with me misinterpreting her intentions for being there, ETC. I won’t even get into details about what happens as it is the exact same scenario that played out in reality with the added scene of me trying to run her over in the vehicle I was in before I returned to reality, (this part did not occur in reality but the rest of it did.) It was at that point that I realized that it needs to stop now. I’m getting older now. My teenage years are behind me and to be honest, I actually exasperated my injured back in reacting to that scene playing out because of the spasm like movement I did. This is usually how these situations play out. I make moaning noises similar to the noises made by someone having a seizure while throwing my fists and arms in the air in reaction to the situation. Upon returning to reality, I cry sometimes or hold my head in shame and most of the time, I’m confronted by mom or those around me who believe that what I’m doing is ridiculous. This has gone on for about 20 years at this point and for what you ask? Absolutely nothing. I mean I guess if I had to give an answer, it would be because of someone I stupidly chose to be with for five months of my now 36 year life. This is going to sound really bad but just like everybody else, I wish I never met her. I wish she kept her mouth shut but most importantly, I wish I took that letter she gave me, (which was her preferred method to ask me out,) and either tore it to bits or used it as toilet paper. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED HER OFFER. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER TO F–K OFF IF I’M BEING HONEST. By the way, there’s been no shortage of swearing towards her in the 20 years since I last saw the slut. This was the biggest mistake I ever made and I will be sure never to make it again. If I ever chose to be with someone again, only god knows what will happen to me. I could be dead as a result or incarcerated as a result but let me be clear on one fact. My life will definitely end. I may still be breathing but I would have no real reason to breathe anymore as I can see that nobody will want anything to do with me, (as my uncle said to me in regards to this topic a couple of days ago.) At my age, I just cannot handle that.

With this in mind, hate to love is the way I live my life from now on. I love my family but that’s it. Hopefully this is the last post I will ever feel the need to write in regards to my stupid love life and how it won’t work, ETC because just like the memories of my ex girlfriend and the constant thought of being replaced, I’m sick of writing about this. It simply will not work for me to have anyone in my life. That’s all there is to it.

By: Jefferson Bert