Whether it’s my age catching up to me or not, the fact that I’m tired or just the fact that I know better, I’m lucky that the situation that just occurred ended without a problem. I don’t know what happened to warrant me handling the situation that occurred the way I did but I think I handled it better than I ever have. Needless to say, there have been other times where this situation has occurred where I have not handled it so well and this has lead to consequences.

Now you’re probably wondering what the situation is. From having read my previous posts on my journey to finding out if having another girlfriend was a good idea or even another best friend, you would have read that my involvement in any social group would be considered a nightmare. However, this statement has never been more true than it has been for the last two weeks. You see, recently I’ve discovered that even fake girlfriends are a pain in the ass for me. I figured that if I can’t handle a made up being living inside my head, then trying to handle anybody new coming into my life would put me in a situation that I don’t want to be in. I soon found out that this problem I have with being social goes even deeper than what I’m describing. It appears that I can’t even be under the same roof as someone who I find hot or good looking even for a split second or without having any contact with them. Every since the Christmas party last year where I encountered a possible girlfriend, (at least one that I found good looking,) I have started revisiting the issues from my teenage years with her and I having begun dating with the same situations always occurring. I get mad to the point where staff get involved, then mom gets involved at which point there’s threats towards her not speaking to me for a long time and even police threats on me. When the smoke clears, I remind myself that being in any sort of social situation could damage my better judgement at which point I pledge to never speak to anyone again other than who is legitimate in my life already, (more specifically those who are part of the family.) This is how I determine if they’re legitimate or not. Actually I don’t think legitimate was the greatest word to use but I think everybody understands what I’m trying to say. Though I successfully attempt to convince myself, certain situations arise where that person is seen in my brain which in turn causes me nights of sleeplessness over stress until I realize that person was never legitimate in the first place which finally results in me getting sleep.

It was about two weeks ago that I once again bumped into the girl from the Christmas party again at the movies. Once again, we had no interaction with each other. She doesn’t know me. I don’t know her. However, that split second visual was enough to warrant two weeks worth of stress over her supposed presence in my life/mom’s life where the same BS occurred as I discussed above. In discussing my behavioral changes within that period, I never disclosed to mom what the actual problem was. However, on my own I made a pledge to never allow myself to speak to anyone else as long as I live as I fear that I may head down the same path from my teenage years again. As discussed in previous posts, I have a feeling that the consequences could be much worse for me at my age than they were back then. I even went as far as to say that I would tell someone to f off if they tried to be my friend or girlfriend.

It was actually earlier today, (or it might have been yesterday,) that I figured something else out. I figured out that people cannot refer to me as part of any group. What this means is that they cannot and should not refer to any group that I’m in without singling me out as if I’m on my own. I will give an example of this.

I live in a place where there are a total of 8 people including myself present. When referring to this group of people, I choose not to be included in this group despite technically being part of it . Here’s an example of what I mean.

If someone is talking about the group of people that currently live here, they would think that I would fall into this category as I am technically part of this group. However, I would argue that the person was not referring to me as he/she did not mention me name apart from discussing the group. To me, it isn’t 8 people who live in the same place together who are all part of a group. It’s Jeff, (I’m using my own first name to describe what I mean,) and 7 other individuals who I would prefer not to socialize with. This may sound really bad but it’s true. I’m one of those people who is clearly better off being known as a loner because I feel like being part of a group would put me in a bad mood.

Anyway, the situation that occurred was yet another invite to Lunch ability. This is the same program that I was sort of forced to go to at Christmas which lead to the now infamous war that took place on that November night. The details of this massacre are discussed in the post titled, “It Started With A Simple Text.” For those who have read it, they would have read that there was serious consequences to my behavior in the days that followed and though it wasn’t proven, the reason I did not get punished criminally was because everybody knew it was Christmas and since it was my first real offense, everybody including staff where I live, the manager that runs this building, but most importantly mom gave me the strictest of warnings that what occurred on this night better never occur again whether it’s the holidays or not. The results of this war, (as I will call it,) also lead to the creation of a visual aid through a poster on my wall which details what I should and shouldn’t do, what to do when faced with situations that might cause me stress, ETC. I would say that for the most part, it has worked. I still have my moments where I allow my temper to get the better of me but it’s been nowhere near the level of hostility that it was on the night in question. Four to five months later, I still remember the events that took place, the stress I put on myself and the staff, how close I came to missing Christmas that year, but most importantly how the whole thing could have been avoided if a certain individual kept his mouth shut.

I will say that the aftermath of this incident was enough for mom to say that she will no longer accept invites for me to go social groups nor will she be mad if I choose not to attend one. However, just when it seemed like I was finally calm, the guy sent mom another email. I could have used mild profanity or some type of obscene nickname to describe him but I won’t because I know this is being posted online.

After months of being assured by everyone that my days as part of a group are over and should never be revisited again, I got a call from mom. She said she was only going to say this because she knows this is something I would like before going on to say that Lunch ability is hosting a pancake brunch at a restaurant.

At that point, I quietly started to feel myself tensing up as I realized that I was on my way to round two of the war on Lunch ability. Before I had a chance to respond mom said, “If you don’t want to go, don’t go,” ETC with me suppressing my urge to tell her to send him back an email and tell him to leave us alone. All I was able to get out as a response was, “Mom it’s been so peaceful around here,” with her saying that I can keep going to the movies alone and restaurants alone…..”if that’s the life you want to live,” as she put it.

I asked her what she thinks I should do before remembering that we had previously determined that I should never be social again. This was something I thought had occurred at one point but according to mom it never did. She must have forgotten that she was in that conversation as well or maybe it never did happen, I don’t remember. Anyway, upon hanging up with mom, I felt myself slowly getting back into that mode I was before Christmas. I quickly proceeded to my computer but could not piece together everything I wanted to write due to being angry. I eventually decided I needed to lay down to sleep it off. When stress impeded my sleep, I went to the source knowing that avoiding doing so any longer would cause my stress to manifest.

During the entire conversation with mom, I felt like telling her one thing. Even though this is online and I probably shouldn’t say this, I will just because it angers me. I wanted to tell mom, “Why don’t you send that asshole/bastard/SOB, (some type of curse word,)a response to his email to fuck off and leave us alone? It’s because of him that the issue at Christmas occurred and like I said, everything was fine before you got that email.” I did however say the last part, that everything was fine before he sent the email but I did not mention the cursing.

Mom annoyingly responded that it was up to me how I lived my life but cautioned me not to take a fit as it impacts her health negatively. She warned me that “it will not end well” as she put it if I have another bad night. After clarifying that she meant she will be mad if I take another fit and not if I don’t go to Lunch ability, I agreed with her. As the situation as Christmas was once again referenced as a warning of could happen now, I agreed with her that it went too far and promised her that I would not get mad like that again.

As mom did not seem herself despite telling me it was my choice if I went or not, (which actually really isn’t even a choice as she knows I won’t go willingly,) I asked her what was wrong. She said that while it doesn’t make me mad that I won’t go, it does frustrate her that I refuse to do anything meaningful with my life. She said she told me about this because my initial complaint about Lunch ability was the food but I actually don’t like people my own age. I guess we never discussed that part of the problem. She said that it frustrates how I willingly go to places like movies and restaurants alone, (though I go as many times with my stepbrother/best friend and even her sometimes. This was a fact that I brought up to her in response,) but won’t go with anyone else. After telling her just that, (that I go with my friend to the movies,) ETC, she said that it upsets her that I always choose to be alone outside of doing things with her and my friend. I told her that being social isn’t my thing. The conversation ended with another warning for me not to take another fit or she will refuse to talk to me for a really long time. This warning lead me to piece together the post that I’m currently writing as a means of releasing what little anger and frustration I had.

You know when you think about it, it’s a very easy decision. Mom knows I like pancakes so she can just either go to the store and get pancake mix so that my staff can make them for me, or buy the toaster pancakes. She can even get Instacart to deliver me some pancake mix and syrup ETC. There is no need for me to have to go back on my word of not being social with people just for the sake of pancakes. This isn’t about the pancakes. As a matter of fact, I love them. But the fact is that I don’t need to stress myself by basically being a hypocrite and going to a place that I don’t like.

However, I do believe that the main cause of this problem has yet to be addressed. How does mom receive notifications about upcoming Lunch ability events? Well, actually at one point, I thought it was from my friend’s wife’s parents as they are keen on sending my friend and his wife and her sister to Lunch ability as well. This thought even caused minor resentment towards his wife’s parents as I felt if it wasn’t for them, mom would never know about upcoming events and therefore would not force me to go. However, I have found out that the guy in charge, (who shall remain nameless,) is the man responsible for making her aware of any Lunch ability events. Every time he does this, inevitably I get in trouble from mom as she tries to force me to go only for me to get mad, then she puts a threat in place if I don’t go, (during the infamous war, that threat was spending the holidays with her which I believe was the catalyst for the blow up,) she then gets in touch with my staff and warns me not to flip out but I do anyway most times which in turn causes mom to get angry. However, all this guy has to do is nothing and I wouldn’t hold anything against him. He just needs to refrain from sending the email in the first place. In this situation, I would think that it would be easy for him to determine what to do. Usually situations require pressure for someone to do something that’s not easy or that they are unable to do for some reason but this situation is the exact opposite. All he has to do is nothing and he can’t even do that.

To make a long story short, I wish he would just stop harassing me and leave me alone. It would make my life and my family’s life a lot easier.

By the way, since I won’t get into trouble for choosing not to go to Lunch ability, I can emphatically state that I’m not going.

By Jefferson Bert