I guarantee that by the end of this post, the sleepless nights I’ve suffered will end. The near two decade bout of stress and paranoia I’ve endured will end but most importantly, my willingness to associate with anyone outside of this family will end as well. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to admit that my association with people outside of this family has been the cause for my overall stressful demeanor in the past two decades. I can honestly say that it did me no favors. I was frowned upon by those closest to me. I certainly didn’t feel any sense of being a normal human being with all the screaming and threats from my bedroom in the years following the departure of the woman who I shouldn’t even call my ex anymore because I feel like after two decades, she has lost that title in her life. Instead I will refer to her as a real life wicked witch. One who would scare even the most brave children but one who at one point made me mad only to inevitably scare me as well as I reached my 30’s with memories of that woman still deep in my brain. She almost got me killed by my own fuckin brother because one night, things became so bad that I unleashed on my family physically all because I thought she was still legitimate in my life. My younger brother spent weeks trying to kill me, (with good reason,) all because of that stupid bitch. I remember the date this happened as well. Since then I’ve became a better person but I still have thoughts of her as well as thoughts of potentially meeting another girl if I ever was to join a social group. This is the thing that mom doesn’t understand as it relates to me. It took me upwards of 20 years after that bitch was gone and no longer relevant in my life for me to even realize that she was. I’m now a man in his mid 30’s and if I ever was to meet another girl and the same situation occurred, I would literally be in my golden age by the time I got over her. This would essentially mean that my whole adult life would basically have been centered on a girl who I wasn’t smart enough to realize that it was over when it was. For this reason, I simply should not have another girlfriend as it may indeed cost me my life, not because my brother killed me but because I either chose to end it myself or I allowed the stress to do it for me. You see, as long as it takes me to realize that she ‘s gone doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the passage of time still exists. I do not want to be an old man when I finally revert back to myself following what could potentially be another 20 years of crap.

So this is why I made my own pact earlier tonight. This could be the only way for me to maintain any sense of rationality in my behavior. As of about two hours ago, I have decided that my days of associating with other people outside of this family are done. I will never speak to another girl or introduce myself to anyone who expects to have any sort of long term relationship with me unless mom says I have to. One thing leads to another, then mom gets involved and once she does, all hell breaks loose. This means no social groups for me at any time. I don’t care if Lunch ability hosts a Jeff appreciation day. As long as there are others around, I won’t be there and I have to be honest about something. You would think that mom would have realized that being social with my now extinct ex girlfriend was the problem and the catalyst behind the near two decade bout of anger that plagued my family and challenged my ability to be a human being. For this reason, I have to ask a question. Why would she continue to push me being social with groups of other people when one girl who I dated nearly cost me my life? In saying this, I do not mean she tried to kill me herself but she may as well have tried to. I mean, three years after she left, my brother had put up with enough of my nonsense, (if you want to call it that but trust me, it was much more,) to the point where he almost did it himself anyway. If this wasn’t bad enough, here I am as a god damn grown man still recounting the failed relationship to some degree while dealing with paranoia that I will one day find someone to replace that slut which gets to the point of me never being able to sleep or live life comfortably despite being in a different living situation than I was in back then. I cannot believe that the aftermath of this relationship has gone on this long. I mean it’s been nearly 2 and a half fuckin decades since I saw the bitch and I’m still reacting as if she’s relevant. Mom has remarried since then and have a step father who I love more than I ever loved my ex. My other brother holds down a good job in the hospital and the brother who tried to kill me at one point is married himself with a child. That’s right. I’m now an uncle but everyone should be rest assured of one thing. I will never be a husband or a father or a grandfather. Dating is out of the question for me.

You know I just realized this as I’m writing this post. That fuckin little bitch basically ruined my whole family’s life because of all the shit they had to endure because of me. They wouldn’t have had to endure that shit if I never laid eyes on that bitch in the first place. Her love for me was enough to destroy the peace within a once loving family. With all this in mind, I have one thing to say to all future women, (but there won’t be any because of my prior guarantee that I will not associate with anyone,) who love me enough to ask me out.

GO FUCK YOURSELF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

I do apologize for the profanity used within this post. The reason I had to use this language is because I could no longer deal with the need to write the same thing that I’ve been writing over and over again. I need closure to the situation as it has now spiraled out of control. This was the reason for the title of this post as I am literally putting my foot down in saying what I need to say. Hopefully I will now be able to sleep. In case some people haven’t put two and two together, I’m going to bed alone like I have for the past 36 years and this is never going to change. Call me a loner or even a loser if you want. I don’t care. This is the way it needs to be if I’m to live my life peacefully. I need no outside interaction with people. I could pass for the legal definition of a family man but I will not start that family. To start a family, you need a woman and a woman is something I DO NOT NEED OR WANT! In saying this, I also want to make it clear that I don’t want men either. If I had to choose, I would be into women but I think not having to choose is better.

My own shadow is my best friend from now on, (unless I was to count my step brother,) but since he is technically in the family already, I will say that my own shadow is the only friend I need who is not within the family. Other than my step brother, he is the only friend I can count on.

By Jefferson Bert