A main topic of discussion where mom is concerned recently is the possibility of her moving out of Ottawa. A question that comes from me when she discusses this matter with me is whether or not I would be living with her. She says no because she does not want me to lose the place I currently live in. We’ve discussed the possibility of me going down to visit her for weeks at a time during the summer and at Christmas if she ever does move but this will not happen anytime soon as it is still in the planning stage. She’s going to be here for a while yet.

It’s very unfortunate that mom wouldn’t consider me moving out of town with her. As for the reason I want to do so though, well it’s not what anybody thinks. Having read my previous posts, you would have read that mom is my number one person in my life which is made apparent by the amount of times I call her throughout the day and how much emphasis I put on her, ETC. As everybody must know by now, this comes with mixed results. Anyway, the reason I want to live outside of Ottawa is simply because I don’t like it here. Every since I finished high school, mom has been forcing me to get involved in the community and be around people my own age through enrolling me in a number of groups within the Ottawa area. Now I am very picky and I don’t like being around people so as you can imagine, none of these groups were ones I liked despite me enrolling with my step brother for most of them. I don’t like situations where other people are involved with things I do nor do I like following rules put in place by others or having to follow the schedule of others or being encouraged to socialize with people. Mom keeps putting me in these places without any regard for the fact that I hate them as she feels that I need to enhance my social life with the threat of possibly being labelled a loser if I don’t. Well here’s my response to that.

Call me a loser if you want. Call me a momma’s boy. Try as you may to get me to care about others. The fact is that you’re just wasting your time. I don’t care how people view me. It’s their choice. They won’t insult me but the fact that I have to keep trying and failing to make friends I don’t want to make and get a girlfriend who I don’t want to get. This is the problem with other disabled people. They put way too much into wanting to do things to impress people and show that they can be part of society despite their disability but it’s never about them. They would sit there and allow other’s people opinions of them, (which they fear are going to be negative,) to allow them to feel the need to waste their time trying to make their mark on the world. I don’t give a damn about society or impressing anyone despite my disability and I want to be part of the community about as much as I want to fall off the edge of the earth. Yet it’s mom refusal to allow me to think that way which leads her to try and get me involved so I can leave my mark on the world. She wants me to be like everybody else and care what people think of me. She wants me to believe that I should be ashamed of myself if people don’t care about me. Well the fact is that I just don’t. Think of me as you wish to. It really doesn’t make a difference. Another thing I want to address is the fact that wasn’t me initially being social with another person, (outside of this family,) the cause of the 20 year period in which I should have been labelled a wanted man? Wasn’t that person, who shall remain nameless, the cause of my entire family turning their backs on me albeit temporarily? Wasn’t this person the reason behind why I never felt normal for almost two decades where I never thought I would be normal again or have any respect from those closest to me? For that matter, was everybody else pulling their hair out over frustration while begging me never to speak to anyone again in the aftermath of that failed relationship? The answer to all those questions is YES!

With all this in mind, why would mom want me to join these types of groups where I could potentially meet another girlfriend and restarting this painful process which I may not return from this time? I don’t disagree with what mom says a lot but honestly this is something I do disagree with her on.

If she knows that one girlfriend who I only dated for five months out of the last 36 years was enough for me to spend the better part of my fuckin adult life worrying about her as if she has been present the whole time while worrying that I have another girlfriend that mom is secretly planning to replace me with, (which I don’t even really have,) why does she keep enrolling me in these god damn places especially when she’s been among the never ending crowd of people who wish for me never to speak to another one? It just doesn’t make sense and as far as I’m concerned, I have no place in any social group or to be involved with anyone my own age except for my step brother who is my best friend. I don’t think she realizes the danger I could be in if I go to these places if the same thing as what happened in my teenage years was to happen again.

What makes it worse is the reason she wanted me to go to this group. She suggested I go to Lunch ability just because the next outing is a pancake breakfast when she knows I like pancakes. While I commend her suggestion because she knows I like pancakes, the fact is that I don’t know why I have to do something I hate just to eat them. All I have to do is go to the grocery store and buy the toaster pancakes, (as I believe these would be the easiest to make in my circumstances.) I already have my own syrup. My staff can prepare them for me when I ask so problem solved. I can still have my pancakes without having to go back on my word and demean myself by attending a stupid social group when I want to be anything but social. This had the potential to result in another one of my freakouts similar to the one near Christmas last year but with the added convenience of a choice of whether I want to go or not, it made it go a lot smoother. To make matters even better for me, according to mom I’m not permitted to go to Lunch ability anymore as she fears that this will lead to another freakout which would likely result in police involvement if it was to happen again.

Now I’m noticing a pattern of things happening each night. I write a post and basically shove it down everybody’s throat including my own that I will not have to write another post discussing the matter of my failed relationship and the fact that I should never have one only for my night to be disrupted by the thought of one day having another human being in my life which leads me to write another post detailing the same thing, albeit in a different way where I complain about getting sick of having to do so as I had initially thought that I made myself clear with the last one I had wrote that I had come to the conclusion that I would not allow myself to have a girlfriend or a best friend, ETC. It’s now past annoying that this keeps happening and it’s actually starting to get on my nerves. I AM NOT EVER HAVING ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND! Just once I would like to enjoy my night and relax and watch one of the million movies I have available to me or Wrestling without having to turn it off due to the inability to focus due to the thought manifesting itself. No more thoughts about a fuckin girlfriend. I have the people in my life AND THAT’S ALL I WANT. NO MORE OR NO LESS!

I’m going to have to do something I normally wouldn’t do and admit where the problem lies. It lies with mom showing too much respect to those idiots who offer me places in these damn groups despite me pulling my own hair out in trying to convince everybody that I don’t want to and that it wouldn’t be a good idea. I think what she should do is write that bastard, (the guy in charge of Lunch ability,) an email in response to the ones he sends without being nice and thankful/respectful and all of that crap. This clearly doesn’t work because despite mom saying no, he emails her the next time a group session is to take place and therefore starts the whole process all over again with mom wanting me to go and me not wanting to go. I get in trouble which causes me to flip out and then all hell breaks loose. I would think that after I reject his offer for about 3 or 4 different sessions, he would get the idea but he’s obviously not receiving the message. For this reason, I believe drastic measures need to be taken. I wish mom would use profanity against him sometimes. I do apologize for saying this but it’s true. This is driving me crazy.

Now I hope I have said enough to convince myself that having anyone in my life will never happen because it’s not a good idea because I have honestly run out of ways to address this topic. Tomorrow night will be better.

By: Jefferson Bert