There are certain things in life I have trouble accepting. This includes people who get on my nerves, things that cost more than they should, having to wait for things, being on hold with people for long periods of time…..the list just goes on and on to the point where people in my life somewhat jokingly ask themselves if there’s anything or anybody in this world that I respect. Well, the answer is yes. The people I do respect are the people that I’m closest to. However, even within this group of people, I respect one person more than anybody else and that is mom.

The answer to who this group of people is are my family. However, though I have respect for everybody in my family, everybody other than mom needs to take a back seat. It’s no secret that I call mom more than any member of my family and also I find myself not being able to be calm in situations which stress me out unless mom eventually puts her two cents in. Having said all of this, I don’t out right hate everybody else but I just prefer mom over all of them.

There has been a conversation I’ve had with Chris for many years now while praising him for how far he’s come in accepting his mother’s demise after so many years. I have told him that I would never be able to accomplish this if it was my mother who died as our relationship has been rock solid and since mom is every bit the role model in my life that I make her out to be, I acknowledge that her death will be something that I would not be able to get over period, let alone in about ten years, (which is the amount of time it has taken Chris to accomplish this.) I would tell him most days that if mom was to die, I wouldn’t be able to cope. As such, I would not be available to talk to him or the girls for a long time as I will be depressed and I also think that given my problems with random freak outs, her death may even cause me to lash out at staff, scream in the middle of the night, this time to a point where even a threat of police involvement wouldn’t be enough to calm me down. I might even go as far as to get physical with staff if confronted about a freak out that I had following mom’s death. This to me is what would eventually cause me to be evicted from Forestview as staff fear for their own safety. In the conversations we had, I would give myself a month before this happens as my freak outs would get worse and worse as the weeks go by and though staff would be sympathetic to my situation having just lost mom, they would eventually decide that it’s too much of a risk to have me around. This would be the reason for my dismissal.

After leaving Forestview, I would bounce back and forth between Ben and Joseph’s houses with the same problems occurring, me getting mad and angry over mom’s death only for the two of them to take turns in basically kicking me to the curb. Eventually, the two of them have children, (in Joseph’s case, more children because at the time of this writing, he already has Jacob,) and the thought of what a good grandmother mom would make if she was present would be the catalyst for my anxiety which would in turn result in me constantly getting kicked out.

Eventually, Joseph takes me in full time and one day, I’m sitting in the living room watching tv. At this time, Joseph has a daughter named Nadia who is 20 years old. I’m watching the 2002 “No Mercy” event during which I doze in and out remembering that mom has sadly passed away. Nadia enters the room to see me sitting in my recliner and I tell her she can put whatever she wants on the tv. As she questions me on this, I tell her to keep it down as I need to go to school in the morning, thus reverting back to the child like state of mind that I believe everybody goes through when they’re about to die.

After falling asleep and having a dream of the four of us being happy together, (mom me and the the boys,) I suddenly wake up and realize it was just a dream and that nothing is as good as it was in the dream. To make a long story short, it leads me to take more of my prescription pills than I was supposed to leading me to fall asleep and die in my sleep. This whole story was written by me at some point when I was trying to think of what life would be like after mom died.

At this point in the story, (which is usually told to Chris as it appears in the entry,) I tell Chris that we should stop thinking like this at the moment as it’s not real yet. I would end the conversation by saying something to the effect of “Just know that when mom dies, you won’t see me again. I will be unapproachable.”