At the time of this writing, people have been after me to write a blog, specifically chapter 6 of my autobiography. I wanted really badly to wait until I watched another movie to do another blog but at the same time, I also had ideas for chapter 6 of my autobiography. Chapter 6 was supposed to be a continuation of chapter 5 where I began to give details on mom’s recent cancer diagnosis and how it effected me, ETC. Lately I have been too tired to write it but tonight I feel like I have no choice but to include the incident that took place this evening. I will do my best to include the original topic of chapter 6 but for a more in depth look at mom’s cancer diagnosis, stay tuned for chapter 7.

There is a time that comes once a year where people think I’m really annoying to say the least. This is my birthday. It starts in the weeks leading up to the actual day, sometimes even at the start of summer where I will continuously remind those around me that it is coming. Now this has always been the case every year since I was born. However, in recent years, talk of me getting older and not requiring as big of a celebration as I’ve had in years prior has become more current with mom saying that I’m old enough now that big birthday parties like the one a child would get is not as necessary. However, I have always had a motto and that motto has been: “A birthday isn’t just the day you were born, it’s a celebration of you as a person. The more people celebrate you, the more you are respected. If they fail to do so, it means they don’t respect you.”

Now this may not be entirely true. I know a lot of people who would object to this. However, it just seems right to me that if you are respected by those closest to you, your birthday should not go unnoticed and should be celebrated. Yet every year for the longest time, I’ve heard the same thing not just from mom but from others around me.

“It’s just your birthday, it’s no big deal, it’s not all about you,” blah blah blah. Though each year we’ve always celebrated, the celebration has always followed numerous bouts of anxiety induced wars in my brain with people who at first claim that my birthday is indeed just another day only for them to reconsider their opinion as they feel threatened by my response to this claim. Ok so this has really only happened to one person if I’m being honest because I don’t dare ever talk to mom the way I would talk to this person. This person is someone who is no longer legitimate in my life in any capacity but during the years when he was, he would always succumb to the same treatment in the weeks leading up to my birthday. This treatment wouldn’t just be limited to yelling matches but also physical ones too. The funny thing is that mom doesn’t care if I beat this person up as she hates his god damn guts. This person is my fat ass stupid father, (not Chris’ father who I have tons of respect for,) but my own father, a man who deserves no respect for reasons that nobody needs to know.

Every year around this time, I’m reminded of those classic father son wars we used to go to in the weeks leading to my birthday. This makes it really hard for me to accept my birthday. Though king BS is not around anymore, his spirit is felt each year by me and trust me when I say this, his presence was felt in my room tonight.

Due to mom’s current condition, I have been tasked with planning my own birthday party which she says she will attend of course. With this in mind, I started asking different people I know if they would like to attend. When I asked Ben tonight though, that’s when the fireworks started.

I should also mention that there have been times when my father and Ben have teamed up against me in both verbal and physical altercations. I remember one time when my father slapped me in the chest really hard and then kicked me in the stomach following what I remember to be a fight between Ben and I. He also interjected himself in many of my feuds with Ben on his behalf, usually after it turned physical by talking to me as if I was someone on the street who was assaulting his son. He would say to me,

“Jeffrey, (he used my full name,) if you touch my son again…..I would always stop him before he finished his threat and I would angrily ask him, “So I’m not your son……(usually followed by profanity used against him,) before we would physically get into a fight which I would always win.

Case and point, I hate that asshole and I will have no problem letting him go, I will not shed a tear, I will not waste my breath or any amount of sympathy when that loser dies. This is a horrible thing to say I know but you know what? With all he’s done to me, he deserves it. The worst part about what he does is pretending he cares about me during the couple of conversations we have had. He asks me how I’m doing and I just end up hanging up in his face. I have one parent and one step father and he is not in my life.

So anyway, I want to go back to the story about what happened tonight. After I tried to invite Ben to my party and he said the given date wasn’t good for him, he went on to talk about all of the things he’ll be doing in the next little while before telling me that my biggest problem is that I fail to consider other people and take it the wrong way when I’m told that someone isn’t able to do something I invite them to. Despite trying to maintain my composure, I ended up prematurely ending the conversation to avoid saying what was really on my mind. He called right back and a yelling match ensued with him claiming to have done or said nothing wrong. Eventually I told him I did not want him anywhere near my birthday party if he was going to act like that, even after he said that he would try to make it on my actual birthday or talk to mom to see if the time can change to where it’s more suitable for him. The reality of the situation is that I don’t want him there. If he’s going to make such a big deal out of getting invited to my party, why should I invite him anywhere or even bother with him?

This is a new thing I’m trying from now on. If anybody belittles any event that is happening in my life, no matter what it is, they are excluded from it. Furthermore, the next time that individual has something special happening that I should attend for them, I will not be doing so anymore nor will I acknowledge it in any form. This should prevent me from the inevitable pre birthday or (insert event that is happening to or for me,) anxiety. I mean, for what it’s worth, mom is really sick for god sake and she is going to be there. You know what that shows me more than anything? It shows me that all she wants is to see me happy. If she is willing to put her own health problems aside to help me celebrate my birthday, then I commend her for that.

As far as Ben is concerned, I’m keeping my word in saying that I no longer want him around for my birthday and I will take personal offense if he shows up to the party itself or in any capacity on my birthday since it’s become clear that I’m inconveniencing him.

By the way, I will end this chapter by saying that after the conversation ended, I had a violent hallucination which involved my father and I in a physical altercation as it appeared as though him and Ben were once again working together against me.

The moral of this story…….I never want to see him again.

As for Ben though, after my birthday, I just may consider reconciling with him.