This is honestly a scary thing to think about. Currently, I’m 35 years old at the time of this writing which means I will be well into my 40’s ten years from now. I have to say that I never envisioned what life would be like for me after 30 years old. I’m a little disappointed in the fact that I don’t have a wife or even a girlfriend at this point. This was something I had envisioned for myself growing up….that I would have a girlfriend and eventually a wife, maybe not kids though and a whole lot more money than I currently have. I always envisioned my mother being a happy grandmother when she finally became one and as she reached 50 years old, (in the year 2019,) I became worried that people would consider her old and it was bothering me that she was getting to that age because for most of my life, I had known her as a young person and honestly, there are some people who I can’t envision ever getting old. My mother was one of those people. Now despite having battled cancer since entering her fifth decade, she has not aged that badly and people still believe she’s my sister when they see us in public. This prompts me to jokingly admit her age to people while confessing how old I am and saying that I was born when she was 21 years of age. She would jokingly become agitated at people now knowing her current age which most people say she does not look as old as she is which softens the blow.
The problem is that another person who I can’t envision as an old person is myself. While I do admit that this will happen, I’m not ready to be a person that reaches 40 years old yet and I’ve actually been afraid of where I will end up in 10 or 20 years from now given mom’s health problems in the past year or so. What seems to have gone under the radar is the fact that she has indeed battled cancer and thus, her overall health isn’t the greatest currently. My biggest fear is that if it’s this bad now, what if it comes back? I know that most people don’t even survive cancer once let alone twice. My mother has been through a lot of other emotional problems in the years leading up to her cancer diagnosis, (some problems which involve other members of my family but not me as I’m actually her biggest supporter,) which have caused her to be depressed. If you were to factor in another bout of cancer, it may be too much for her to survive. If the worst does happen, where will that leave me? I’ll never be able to get over it or live a happy life again. I mean, as it stands now, she is my go to person for everything and I can’t even make a move without consulting her first and calling her is my absolute favorite thing to do. I know some day, I will not be able to do this anymore but that day should not be anytime soon.
One thing I’m hoping will happen by the time I reach 40 is for me to have a girlfriend. I’ve gone through most of my life as a single man other than the five month relationship I had with my ex as a teenager, (for those of you who have not read my multiple posts on why it didn’t work and how I’ve struggled with the question of whether or not to get back out there in the aftermath of this, there are a ton of my posts which discuss this very fact,) and after years of contemplating, I have come up with the response that maybe it is a possibility as I do not want to be that old with no one. I feel as if someone is going to fall in love, they should do so early on in life so they have more to give and receive in the relationship. In my experience, when you reach 40, you have lost all of your charm and good looks and you’re reaching that age where the golden years are around the corner. Pretty much, I don’t want to be 50 years old and single because I want to be seen as young when I meet the girl, not old enough to have lived two quarters of my life with one foot in the grave. I want to spend the better part of my life with a woman, not the last few years, decades, ETC. The problem is that those years where I feel I could still charm a woman as I feel I’m young enough to are pretty current and will only last another 5 years if I’m being honest after which I will be too old to find anyone. So this means it needs to happen very soon. I’m not going to stay this young forever. For those single women out there, consider what I just wrote to have been a hint given.
As for the answer to this question, I really don’t know where I will be in five years and based on what I think will happen given the circumstances now, I don’t want to think about where I’ll be. I just want to wait and see what happens. Who knows? I could be wrong and maybe I’ll be on cloud nine to use the old phrase. Usually I don’t have a wait and see attitude. Usually I want answers now. This is one of those things that I don’t want to think about until it is relevant.
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