I actually have two big dreams. One which is my choice to accomplish while the other was once a reality that changed and unfortunately won’t ever happen again despite it being my only way to maintain some form of peace in my life.
You know, it’s amazing how questions like these come up to be answered at points when I was just thinking about them and in this case I was wishing for my biggest dream to come true just as this question was read by me. Anyway, the first dream I have is to live with mom again. Everybody should know by now from having read my previous entries about her that she plays a major role in my life. This is something that she only praises once in a while but unfortunately most of the time, she tells me I call her too much ETC. However, my reasons for wanting to live with her extend far beyond what I have written in my previous entries. You see, I have a problem with holidays since I have moved out on my own. More specifically, Christmas and my birthday, the latter of which is less than two weeks away at the time of this writing. I’ve lived alone for 11 years all together as of this year and each of those 11 years has resulted in the same problem occurring less than two weeks before the holiday, (once again meaning Christmas and my birthday respectively.) Each year brings about the same conversation about how much older I’m getting and how much older mom is getting and that each year she plans to do less on Christmas because of how much older I am now. Certain situations such as covid ETC have put Christmas in question, (at least in my eyes,) but we have always ended up celebrating the holidays despite the circumstances. Having said that, the uncertainty surrounding the possible ending of the normal routine has caused my brain to wander and believe things that aren’t true. While I cannot disclose what these thoughts are due to how bad they are, I can say that they date back to my teenage years when I start to wonder exactly how mom would spend her holiday if it wasn’t with me and my stepbrother. That same thought haunted me throughout the lead up to Christmas which caused me to act out more than usual but needless to say, I felt stupid when we ended up having Christmas like normal and everything in my brain was cancelled out.
Last year at Christmas, the annual fear of me being left alone at Christmas was at it’s peak. When mom announced that I would not have Christmas with her if I did not attend a Christmas party hosted by a group that I did not like to attend, I went off the deep end and unleashed a fit of rage that nearly landed me in prison had it not been for the thoughtfulness of the person in charge of where I live. While I won’t disclose details of what happened that night, I will say that every person in my building complained about the noise. It lasted from shortly after 8 pm until 3 am the next morning but I was unapologetic. I couldn’t be forced to calm down and I said things I did not mean and unintentionally threatened the people who help me and still do to this day. Unfortunately, I will say that I have not been a complete saint and having staff come in and attempt to calm me down was nothing new to that point. However, this was on a whole other level. I’m lucky to have survived the night with a clean record much less have been able to celebrate with mom at all. For those people who want to read the details of the incident, it can be found in a post titled “It Started With A Simple Text.”
Now what happened last year was just a thought. However, this year things could be a little bit different. You see, mom is planning a trip out of the country this year at Christmas which means I may have no choice but to be alone. The problem is that this will be the first year I will not have seen mom at Christmas since I was born and I’m not looking forward to it. Each year up to this point, I have looked forward to Christmas not for the gifts but for the family time. Certain unexpected developments that have occurred this year, (once again I probably should not disclose these events due to the nature of them,) which puts the trip in question. So the good news is that it’s not confirmed yet. Mom said there was a chance that she may be away but I’m crossing my fingers that this does not happen because I can’t imagine a holiday like Christmas without mom especially since other people are with their families at this time of year. More importantly than this is the matter of what mental state I’ll be in because I know mom won’t be around. Last year was horrible and she wasn’t even leaving. By all accounts, I was still going to have Christmas with her, maybe not in the aftermath of the incident but before that. This year, her status as far as Christmas is concerned with me is in question. If it was that bad last year, I can only imagine how much worse it could be this year and I can only hope I am able to prevent myself from having a worse freak out than last year, (I don’t even know if that’s possible,) but the fact is that if I don’t celebrate with mom, I would rather be in jail or worse because I refuse to be depressed at Christmas but that is what may happen if she ends up going away.
So my one dream is to live with mom again so I can guarantee myself a good Christmas and holidays in general. My second biggest dream is to never talk to another girl and start a relationship with a girl so I can stop thinking about my teenage years and finally get on with my life.
Anyway, my dream at this very moment is to sit and relax and not worry about anything. I will do this now before finding myself on a trip to dream land in my bed.
By Jefferson Bert
JJsMovieRoom 
Leave a comment