What is one thing you can’t live without?

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There’s two things in this world that I would be lost without. I absolutely adore my tv. I watch movies on it that I review and I know when I’m in front of it that I get a break from always having to wait for things. Most of my day revolves around meeting deadlines or waiting for things to happen and this means that I do not always have time to just sit and relax. Another thing that I would be lost without is my computer but to be honest, when it doesn’t work I feel like I maybe could do without it. This is something that I’ve often said out of anger when trying to get my computer working again. I’m not the most tech savvy person. On the other hand though, I do appreciate having it when it doesn’t give me trouble. I just added another thing that I can’t live without and this is the most obvious of all. I would never be able to live with myself if I lost my phone. The inability to call mom a million times a day would devastate me, (although I’m sure she has a much different opinion on the matter as she has vocalized her annoyance with almost every call I make to her outside of our normal call time.)

I know that this question is about objects that people cannot live without but I feel the need to include a specific person who I have admitted multiple times to being unable to cope without. I’m not going to lie and this may seem harsh to say online but it’s true. The fact is that if and when the day ever comes that mom is no longer active in my life, it would eventually kill me! My mother has such a big impact on my life. She is my go to person for everything and my lifeline in terms of keeping my emotions in check.  I fear that without her influence in my life some day that I would end up in jail or much worse. She is the person who I listen to and who is able to convince me on what is right and wrong, (even though I should already know the difference at my age,) but she is the one who leads me down the right path and motivates me to make the right decisions. This is not to say that others don’t succeed in doing this but nobody is as capable of getting through to me like mom is. I’ve often said that I would be lost without her. Currently, her health has not been the greatest and she is at the age where she is starting to fear death, (though she acknowledges that it won’t happen for a long time.) I’m going to be honest in saying that this scares me to think about. I know it will happen eventually but the fact is that whether it’s a million years from now or not, no matter how independent I have become, if I ever get a girlfriend or a good job and make millions of dollars, I will never be ready for it. I already have issues with maintaining my status as a good person with some of the staff where I live, (and this is currently not getting any better,) but these days when I have those issues at least I know I have mom to call and I know she will be able to set me straight. But what happens when I can no longer do this? What will I do when try as I may I can never get an answer from mom again and those calls are never returned? I will have no support and I’m going to be completely honest. My bereavement period following her death will follow me into my own grave. I will never recover no matter how much I assure her that I will be ok following her death. I’m certain that I may never be in the mood for the same level of BS that I currently put up with from certain staff or buses being late, ETC. I could end up as a criminal if I assault someone if they say what I don’t like. I could be locked away for good and who is going to come to my rescue? Mom obviously wouldn’t be able to and nobody else cares about me nearly as much as she does. Maybe I won’t want to be rescued. I’m just going to be painfully honest and this is causing me pain to write. I know mom would not want to read this. When mom dies, not an if, a when because I know it will happen whether I want it to or not and whether she wants it to or not, the only way I will find comfort is for me to die with her. There is no life for me without mom and if this is what it takes to be comfortable, then I will gladly do it. If my life doesn’t end at the same time as mom’s life, it will be the end of my life as a good person. I have no legitimate life without mom. Live with mom, die with mom. It’s the only thing that works.

As harsh as the last part of this paragraph is, I do believe that mom would be happy to read it because if I’m being honest, it probably shows her that I simply cannot live with her. I believe that this should make her feel good. However, I do want to point out that in saying what I said at the end, I actually feel that way and it’s not meant to make mom feel good. I’m not doing it to make up for something bad I did or said. I have those legitimate feelings on the situation. Having said that though, it should still make her happy.

By Jefferson Bert