To be honest, if I could relive any day from my past, it would be anyone that I have spent with mom up to this point. While this applies to any day I’ve spent with her, I think I would really appreciate reliving the days of my childhood, youth and early adulthood when my behavior wasn’t the greatest. As a man in my 20’s, I faced mild mental health issues that stemmed from the aftermath of my first relationship with my ex girlfriend. During this time, I found myself unable to move on from the events that occurred and believed that she was still relevant for years after we had broken up despite us having no contact. Anything that went wrong during this period of time, (especially where mom was concerned,) was her fault in my mind despite knowing deep down that she was not relevant. If mom was late getting home from work for a legitimate reason, (a work meeting or just generally working late or stuck in traffic,) ETC, it was her fault because I felt like she was influencing mom’s decision to be late so as to prove she does not want to be around me. Despite this not being true, (and years after my ex had moved away and we had ceased contact with them,) forced beliefs that my made up story was real caused me to act out negatively as if it was really happening. This resulted in me barricading myself in my room and screaming loudly while cussing my ex girlfriend out and repeatedly saying “I HATE YOU. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” ETC. This would usually start not long after a failed phone call to mom at a time where she should have been home from where ever she was. The problem was that nine times out of ten, mom would either show up while I was actively engaging in the freak out or would have called back in the midst of it. Other times, my younger brothers were always home and they ratted me out causing me to get in trouble from mom for acting out while telling me that my girlfriend no longer existed in my life, that I was never going to see her again as well as saying that I should definitely never have another girlfriend as long as I live. Unfortunately, situations like this occurred more frequently than not resulting in me only having very few periods of happiness during this time. These periods usually occurred when mom was available to me and when things generally happened the way they were originally supposed to, (mom comes home on time, answers the phone on the first attempt,) ETC. These situations usually reassured me that my ex was gone and was not influencing any part of mom’s life to mess with me. For a few months or even years maybe, (I don’t remember how long this was exactly,) it was believed by me that my ex’s influence spread to other women that mom knew who were her friends/colleagues at work, ETC. During this time, if I called her office and the friend answered, it would upset me if she said mom wasn’t available and I would start to believe that the made up cycle in my head was occurring with her. This caused me to make remarks about her that I knew were rude and obviously not true, (I still respect her to this day,) as I attempted to make mom see and understand that her friend was doing the same thing as my ex was. At one point though, the friend found out what I was saying about her and was significantly insulted and told mom about this which caused her to in turn get mad and me and force an apology. The same situations kept happening for over five years after she was gone with different circumstances. At one point, mom brought a friend home from work who I found to be attractive. During the visit, I made numerous inappropriate and sexual comments towards her which mom scolded me for doing once she left. As this incited those same issues, (though on a smaller scale,) I did something I had not done to that point and actually cried. This was the first time I actually cried over the stress as I had been known to keep it in up to that point.
As I said earlier in this post, it took me five years to get back to some sense of a normal life following my ex’s departure. I started going through therapy sessions to help me believe that what I thought was happening really wasn’t. These days, issues similar to those I faced in the aftermath of my first relationship still surface from time to time. However, they are much less than they were back then and don’t always result in me freaking out. I’m much calmer these days despite still having my moments. Those moments don’t take as long for me to come back to reality. I realize now that so much has changed since those events took place. As for mom and I, well we’ve never been closer and I want to keep it that way. Therefore it has been determined that I’m better off without a girlfriend as I do not want to repeat the same issues I did back then as I fear that the consequences could be worse for me now that I’m an adult.
So to answer the question, if I had to relive any point of my life, it would be those five years where mom and I could have had a better relationship had it not been for the involvement of my ex. I would make it so it never happened and I think this would have made my teenage years as well as my transition into adulthood better and more enjoyable for mom and for myself.
By Jefferson Bert
JJsMovieRoom 
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